Forever Young

Servants

2012-02-09T19:54:00.002-07:00

Today Kyle watched a Backyardigan's episode about knights and queens and such while I made dinner.

About 90 minutes went by. We had dinner, did scriptures, got Aiden ready for bed, and then right after I put on his pajamas and readied his feeding button, he said, "Mommy, are you my servant?"

The appropriate response seemed to be, "yes."

January 23, 1982

2012-01-23T16:44:00.005-07:00

Today is Evan's 30th birthday!!! That's right, my wonderful husband has reached a milestone in his life.

This is Evan in Oklahoma about the time he was 2 years old.

This is Evan two weeks before he turned 16.

And this is Evan and his long time best friend (since they were 11), Chris. Chris is also turning 30 at the end of this week---so I thought it appropriate that he also make an appearance on my 30th birthday post. This photo was taken the summer of 2004, when these boys were 22, and that very summer is when I first met Evan.

And this my friends is the Evan of today (well, the Evan of last month) at the new Utah's Natural History Museum with Aiden. Don't you just love him? We do!

I could gush over him and list all the things that we love about him, but I'm not going to do that. He is amazing and if you know him you understand.

For his momentous occasion of a birthday, he received 1 gift a day for 30 days. This all started because Evan is very into his birthday--very---with his birthday month, birthday party day, birthday day, birthday family dinner day and so on and so forth. I told him when he turns 60 he'll get 2 gifts a day and at 90, 3 gifts a day! So we are trying to make the birthday festivities last all month. I even miscounted the presents so he'll end up getting 33 and 31 reasons why I love him (1 attached to each present). It's been delightful, we had a fabulous family party last night and he has a friend party on Friday night; don't you love that he is 30 and we still celebrate like he is 5 :)

So to wrap it up, he's 30 (even if he tries to tell you he is 29) and we love him. We have partied all month so far and we are not done yet. Enjoy Chinese New Year, we'll be celebrating a birthday over here!

Thank You to All Tax Payers

2012-01-14T15:10:00.005-07:00

Last week there was an article in the Salt Lake Tribune, it is about a teenage in Utah County with an eosinophilic disorder (like my boys) whose mother lobbies the government to require insurance companies to pay for the formula to go in the g-tube (like Kyle's). It is very eye opening and can help people to understand the seriousness of this illness--this is not just a food allergy. I was able to get in touch with this mother and I am going to start attending a support group for EGD diseases. I have really been thinking since this article was printed.

If there is nothing else that has gone well for us this year (which there are), it is that we have Medicaid insurance. Obviously, it was never Evan and my plan to be on government assistance. It has been a slap in the face because we want to be self-sufficient. However, Evan's job does not even cover our expenses and to get insurance it would be 1/3 of his income a month, plus the high deductible, and the copays. At school it would cost $5,200 or something like that a year to have the whole family covered and most likely would only cover 80% of our costs.

Medicaid does not cover Evan and I; however, it does cover the boys. It covers them 100%. This is a miracle, especially if you read that article. Kyle's formula for his tube and what he drinks costs $89.99 for a case of 24---he needs 7 cans a day, which is 217 cans, or 10 cases which would be $899.99 a month. There were only 3 cases available on Amazon when I checked. You can't buy it in the store, so this doesn't even include shipping & handling or tax. Luckily his formula is on the cheap side of what he could be taking. Kyle's feeding pump is $2,100. His feeding bags are $120 per month and his bandages for his tube are $148.95 a month.

That is just costs on some of his supplies. In the month of December (a slow month for us), required 2 ER visits for Kyle and 1 for Aiden, 3 surgical clinic visits for Kyle not including a wound care team visit, and both Kyle and Aiden met with an outpatient nutritionist. I also speak with our GI doctor at least every two weeks on the phone. We also filled our regular 5 prescriptions, of which two are a generic of the antacid Prevacid and cost $197.95 per child a month, and we had 6 extra prescriptions either of steroids or antibiotics for infections.

If you think about November with Kyle's surgery and a 4 day hospital stay or last August and first week of September with a small bowel follow thru for Kyle, a colonoscopy/endoscopy for each child, blood tests, poop tests, and sweat tests for each child. I don't receive any bills with Medicaid so I am not sure what the actual cost of any of these things are, but I am fairly certain those colonoscopy/endoscopy costs about $5,000 per child.

Obviously, I understand that if I did have another insurance plan I wouldn't have to pay these costs out right, I would only be paying between 5-20% overall plus deductibles and copays depending on the plan, but that is still a lot more than we pay now and more than we can afford. I also know that they would not count our formula for Kyle as a drug, but a food and would not cover that $899 a month. I desire to be self-sufficient and not be on medicaid, but have Evan's employment offer us insurance. However, I do worry about what that will cost us out of pocket for the kids health issues, but I want to be able to pay for it ourselves at some point without going into debt.

This is in no way a pity party for us---this is a sincere thank you to all the tax payers out there because I know you are the one's paying for my son's medical coverage. I appreciate having the opportunity to be on Medicaid. I don't know what we would do without it. I want you to know your contribution keep my kids in the best health possible and allows Evan and I access to all we need to keep their symptoms managed and them as pain-free as possible. So as you pay your taxes, know these boys love you for it---and more so their mother because I know no one wants to pay taxes. Thank you.

Gluten Free, Diary Free Cinnamon Rolls

2011-12-25T22:38:00.002-07:00

So, I had my first foray into gluten free, dairy free baking. That is right, I over came my fears--I'm no longer a gluten free baking virgin.

I found this recipe on how to make dairy free gluten free cinnamon rolls. It was modified from this cinnamon roll recipe. However, the caveat is the recipe is designed to make something like 80 rolls. I only really needed 4 rolls--and we only ate 1 for Christmas breakfast. So I used part of the dough to make crescent rolls for this recipe (yes, it is apple wrapped in crescent rolls, baked in a ton of butter and sugar---delicious!) The rest I was able to freeze to make future cinnamon rolls, crescent rolls, dinner rolls, or pizza dough. How awesome? One go many uses. It also required no kneading, few dishes, and so little effort--but does require planning and having at least 3 hours to make (2 hours worth of waiting). Even if you make the original version of the recipe, it is awesome to have dough in my freezer for future use.

I used a mixture of Bob's Red Mill gluten free baking mix and bean flour and I added my own 1 tsp of xantham gum per cup of flour (it comes out to 9 tsp). I also used soy free, dairy free butter stuffs called Earth Balance, which can be procured at Walmart.

It also says in the picture direction to bake at 400 degrees; however, the recipe says 375 degrees. I did 375 degrees and it took about 30 minutes to bake all the way through. I did not use her maple frosting from the recipe, but I used this frosting recipe from the clone of a cinnabon on allrecipes.com.

They turned out so well. I was worried and I didn't trust Evan for an accurate review. But my sister's brother-in-law's girlfriend (did you follow that, I almost didn't) had one this morning for her Christmas breakfast, and I heard second-hand rave reviews. So give it a try. It was awesome.

Decking the Halls

2011-12-25T22:12:00.005-07:00

We put up our tree the day after Thanksgiving. Aiden went to bed before we were done because he was tired, ornery, and into everything. I tried to get a good picture of him, but that blurry one of his face is the best that I could do. He does not ham it up for the camera like Kyle used to at that age, I need a super expensive fast camera to get good pictures of that quick one.

We had a good time though. The boys have really enjoyed the tree and it was so fun to finally decorate with Kyle and to pull out our ornaments from years passed that belong to him. We put the good ornaments up top and there was one branch on the bottom with ten bells---that was all Kyle's doing. We were able to find a good space in the corner by our front window and blocked it in with our two love seats. It served us well as an awesome setup. I'm sad it is going to need to come down this week.

Thanksgiving Eve Bowling

2011-12-25T12:44:00.004-07:00

First Glimpses of Winter

2011-12-10T21:48:00.002-07:00

We had a small amount of snow in the early part of November before all the leaves had even fallen off the trees. Kyle was so excited to go out, and he wanted to make a snowman so badly. However, we did not have that much snow, and there was a ton of leaves below the few inches of snow. But we did go out so that I could shovel the sidewalk and driveway. Aiden did not like it at all, eventually, he was on ground that I had shoveled and I took his gloves off, so he tolerated it. Aiden's displeasure at being outside eventually drove us back inside---where Kyle's displeasure was extreme. I hope we'll get more before Christmas, so that it starts to feel like Christmas :)

October was When?

2011-12-10T21:16:00.002-07:00

Way back in October, before Halloween, we went to the pumpkin patch. It was pretty limited and small. The corn maze did not even have any options for alternative paths :) However, it was great for the kids. We went with Evan's brother, Nolan, his wife Zaida, and their son, Ignacio. The picture of them on the haystacks is as close as we could get them. But it was a gorgeous day and Kyle and Aiden both loved the tractors.

We had a monkey of a Halloween! Evan worked so I took the boys trick-or-treating. Not my favorite job and in the future, I'll look forward to Evan doing that. Unfortunately our friends fell thru on going with us, so we headed out as a trio. Kyle had me go up to every door with him so he wasn't alone. We went down three blocks of one street and circled back up the next. He decided when he was done and we did not hit every house. Aiden stayed in his stroller the whole time and at house number 4, he got a dum dum and that kept him busy until we were back home. It was successful, but I'll be so glad when I don't have to do holidays alone while Evan works.

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie....

2011-11-28T19:39:00.001-07:00

So we have a mouse in our kitchen. Well, at least that is where it has been spotted. On Friday, right before Evan went to work, Evan was standing by the refrigerator and sink. I was standing on the opposite side of the bar. As we were talking, I saw a dark something dash out from behind the fridge and run toward the sink along the baseboard under the cupboards and then go back. I asked Evan what he thought it was, I had no idea. I thought I was crazy. He helped me move the fridge and sure enough staring back at us were little beady eyes of a brown mouse. I screamed, dashed around the bar, and climbed up onto a bar stool.

I know, not the type of thing you would expect or me either. But I did. It is just kind of disconcerting and instinctual. Well, the mouse darted down the baseboard again into the opening that runs into the whole corner of our cupboards. (Probably why we have a mouse, there are several such weird holes in our house--not our house, our rented house. Really, don't ask.)

I called my nieghbor. She said to get traps. I didn't have access to a car, so I just fished the glue traps out of the garage that were in the kitchen when we moved in (bad sign, I know). So far nothing has been caught, so yesterday, I added a huge dallop of peanut butter.

So when this happened, Kyle told me, "Mommy, don't be scared. It is just a mouse. Not a monster." Yup, seriously good advice from a three year old. Then Kyle asked me if he could pet the mouse. Not good advice from a three year old.

Tonight, as I was sorting clothes in the living room, I thought that Aiden was in the kitchen eating rice from his dinner off the floor. I had forgotten that I left the gate open. Minutes later, Aiden comes waddling into the living room, with his hand stuck in the glue trap and eating peanut butter directly off the trap with his mouth. I screamed like a little girl. I was seriously freaked that he was ingesting whatever that could be bad for him.

I had to hard core rip his little hand off the glue trap and then use olive oil to get the stickiness of the glue gone. Then clean his face of peanut butter. He did not ingest any of the trap and is fine. I still don't think that this is a funny store, but Evan said it made his day as did my neighbor, who I called in a panic. So I hope it makes your day.

Home Again, Home Again

2011-11-21T16:38:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here at my window waiting for home health, apparently they came 20 minutes ago and because we were downstairs did not hear them.

While I was gone my tree in the front yard emptied its leaves. I hope the neighbor boy comes to rake soon.

It took six hours to discharge today. Five of those hours were trying to get the different teams to do their parts and a lot of "that's not my job" by various parties. There was also a hiccup with the fact that our insurance did not want us to get a home pump.

Kyle did fabulous, except that he doesn't mind causing himself more pain by laying on his button and sliding along. Pain does not deter him. Also neither does morphine. He was well behaved and charmed everyone who came into his room. I got so many compliments on how they know of no other three year olds that swallow their pills. It may not be a wonderful skill like counting or reading--but we know how to do our medicine and deal with doctors (which is what Kyle called the doctors and techs). Our techs were so good and did not wake him in the middle of the night. And surprisingly, the recliner was not the worst to sleep in.

Best part was how wonderful the vanilla dryers ice cream was in the cafeteria. Seriously. And how Kyle convinced a child life specialist that Aiden also needed a car (even though Aiden was at home) so he could get two cars instead of one.

Even though I've been mostly sitting on my butt at the hospital. I am surprisingly defeated And although I took my laptop, I never used it at the hospital. I feel over come by the prep needed for Thanksgiving and all the laundry that needs to get done. But Evan reminds me I can always do that tomorrow.

I have pictures of the hospital and my perfect patient, but they will have to wait. Thank you all for the support.

Practical Foodie

2011-11-12T18:24:00.003-07:00

I told myself that if I finished the dreaded budgeting and bill pay for the month, then I could post about this subject. Well, obviously, I finished because I am posting.

Tonight I made a creamy avocado pasta (brown rice pasta for Aiden) with bacon and roasted asparagus on the side for dinner with only a ten minute clean up. It was delicious beyond measure.

However, I've come to realize that I have no one with which to share these sorts of things. I eat most dinners, including Saturday nights recently, with the boys. Kyle gets to the table, looks at his plate, and says, "I think I'm done." Aiden will eat anything, including on not one but three occasions fecal matter. He eats after he gets down from the table, meaning that he'll eat all the food on the floor. Starting last week, he's even eaten out of the garbage. Evan will come home late, take the bowl that I've left sitting out for him for hours (he likes it that way) and eat in front of the TV. If I ask and he likes it, he'll state that it was good. But he has been known to eat day old or more hamburgers and he raves about chili dogs as much as anything I make.

So I feel like there is no one with which to share my passion. And it is a passion, although I've only come to discover this in the last few weeks. If you follow me on pinterest you know how much food I pin. I have spent the last six months only repeating 10 dishes because there are so many yummy things out there I want to try. I make goodies several times a week and I am constantly reading recipe blogs. I also watch every cooking show that is on Hulu.

I don't claim to know a lot about cooking because I am still afraid of most meat that isn't chicken or ground. I have just mastered the pork roast. I don't shop in fancy stores (except for my children) and I coupon and try to save as much money as I can. I try to use inexpensive, easily accessible ingredients. I am very conscious of how much time and effort is required too because I don't have a lot of that to spare. However, I modify like crazy. Kyle can't eat dairy and Aiden can't eat dairy or gluten. I am actually going to learn how to bake gluten free and modify those recipes too. My current question, is it possible to make gluten free yeast breads (albeit substituting the normal flour, any dairy, and adding xantham gum?

But the point of this, I am considering starting a recipe blog. I know how many hundreds of thousands of millions (did I just go too far there) there are on the internet. But I want mine to be for the elimin8 diet (no dairy, wheat, soy, eggs, peanuts, tree nuts, shellfish, or sea food) and no corn as well. We are going on that diet starting in January and the recipe blogs out there are not designed for that. If I wanted to pay some money, I could gain access to some recipes. I found a website once, where you choose the things you were avoiding and it gave you the recipes it had that matched it. I can't find it now.

So my blog would be like that and after 3 weeks, we will add each element back in for a two week trial to see if there are any more foods that the boys react to. So not all the recipes would be for everything, but maybe I could have a way to group them or something. I want there to be better resources for those who have food reactions or allergies. And I want them to be normal sounding, looking and often substitutes for what most families do eat. It is nice to have a direct correlation between a regular cookie and something my kids can eat. As a mater of fact, we frequently don't take them to attend things where we know offending food will be if thee is no equivalent (like ice cream cake).

I frequently go to Whole Foods and even at the best organic, healthy, grocery store in the city I have a hard time finding food. If it is dairy free, it isn't gluten free and vice versa. We as an eosinophilic community need better resources and so do those who have problems with common foods.

What do you think? Would you read it? Do you think you'd make anything from it?

Forgotten Thanksgiving

2011-11-10T12:02:00.002-07:00

So Evan came home on Monday from work and stated that he had been flipping channels on the radio. On one of them, he had heard Christmas music. He may or may not have used expletives to explain how he felt about that. He said, "It isn't even Thanksgiving yet." I furthered the discussion by mentioning that Tai Pan Trading and several other stores have been over run with Christmas, Costco even before Halloween.

Evan said, "Thanksgiving is like Beiber's little brother. Or his baby. Totally forgotten."

It probably doesn't help that Evan can't stand Christmas music any time of the year.

Then yesterday, we had another conversation about Thanksgiving. Evan was telling me how much he loves Thanksgiving. His reasoning that, "It is a low maintenance holiday. I don't have to give any gifts. I don't have to remember to do anything. And because I'm a male, I don't have to do any cooking either. All I have to do is eat."

My sister, Heidi, also loves Thanksgiving. For her I think it is because she loves all the food stuffs. She loves turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy and pie. I don't know if it is because her birthday falls around and sometimes on Thanksgiving, but it is her favorite meal and she will order Thanksgiving food at restaurants and request it for special meals.

I'm not opposed to Thanksgiving, but I don't care for the food. I don't like turkey that much, I hate gravy, and I don't eat left overs. It seems like a waste of a good holiday and too crammed between Halloween and Christmas. Maybe if it had some more time, I could enjoy it. But I keep thinking, why even put up my Thanksgiving/fall decorations. Why not just pack them away. I'll have to get these bins out again in just a few weeks for that anyway. I also feel like it is just another Sunday dinner. Nothing too special.

So we'll see how we fair this year.

Edible Brain

2011-10-29T19:44:00.002-06:00

Evan woke up this morning and told me about this crazy dream he had:

Evan had to have a brain operation to look at his brain. He had other people urging him to get it done, "because he could waste his mind if he didn't have it looked at." The surgeon cut his head open and placed slices of his brain onto what were like jello molds to look at the deterioration. Evan and I were only dating at the time and he was worried that I wouldn't stay with him if I knew. He came downstairs after the operation and brought me the molds. I proceeded to eat his brain. And his first thought was, "wow! she really isn't leaving."

When he told me this, my first though was, "oh my gross, I would never. That is so disgusting."

P.S. Kyle surgery is scheduled for November 18th. It will require that he be in the hospital overnight at least to make sure that the port is working correctly. I have to take a class up at Primary's before hand to make sure that I know what I am doing in cleaning, feeding, and changing the tube. I read the whole folder that the doctor sent me home with--I'm completely freaked out and I'm not sure that I can do this. It just seems so intensive and awful. If the tube comes out, I have 20-30 minutes to insert a new one before the hole can shrink too much. I have to carry an emergency kit wherever he goes. Talk about scary.

Loan Sharks

2011-10-27T15:56:00.003-06:00

This is the conversation that I had in the car with Kyle while we were waiting at a stop light on 4500 S and State Street.

Kyle: Is that a temple?
Me: Where?
K: (pointing) There. That white part.
M: (realized it was the Check City sign). No.
K: Yes!
M: No!
K: What is it?
M: It is a city scape. A picture of a city.
K: Why?
M: Well, the name of the store is Check City. So there is a picture of a city on their sign. Check City. Picture of city.
K: What do they have inside.
M: It is a loan company. They are loan sharks (saying that for the benefit of Evan who would be disappointed if I did not say something. He seethes over these types of companies).
K: (awe in his voice) They have sharks swimming inside.
M: No, they have unethical lending practices (again channeling Evan).
K: They have guys swimming around to get the sharks and like at Target (I thought he was referring to store)
M: (resigned, knowing this is going nowhere) Sure.
K: And we don't have things to shoot them.
M: No.
K: They need some like the wii (referring to a bow and arrow from our archery game on the wii, which he calls target and has no shooting under water at all, let alone at sharks).
M: Yup.

This is fairly typical of how things go; temple to sharks to bows and arrows. And the final thought of the day--I hate the combination of children and suckers.

Giant Nutshell

2011-10-26T21:09:00.005-06:00

I know that it has been awhile since my last real post. I'd like to give Patty a shout out, because even though she moved to California almost two years ago (really has it been that long???) and I'm not a great blogger, she still checks our blog and is a faithful reader.

As an explanation, I buzzed my head because of constant pressure from Evan to shave it. Buzzing ti was as close as I wanted to come. During a drive to my friend's house, I was struck with the desire. So we did it. I even had someone at church, who I don't know, ask me if it was about fashion or about my health. Seriously??? It is really neither. Within a few weeks (like two), it had grown quite a considerable amount and now I need to decide if I want to do it again or grow it back out. Honestly, I might grow it because it is slowly inching toward freezing temps here and that will be cold on my bare head :) Any thoughts?

Honestly, I haven't taken a single picture since Kyle's third birthday (the pictures of my hair Evan took) and I obviously haven't posted. I have things that I could write and plenty of pictures of events---because lets face it even when I was posting at least once a week, I wasn't keeping up. But I have no desire to take pictures. None. I took no pictures while my mom was here. I don't even think about picking up the camera. Even less than taking pictures, I don't want to blog.

Things are rolling around here. Rolling around and down a hill.

Aiden is no longer a baby, he is a toddler. Walking everywhere, communicating in grunts and points, demanding, screaming, smart and determined. He no longer rolls with the punches. He also got his first hair cut. He brings me dress ups to put on him, is obsessed with the can opener, and brings me novels off the shelf. He can take toys up and down the stairs with him and tries to get things out of his crib. He plays with the kitchen toys even more than Kyle does and brings me plates and pots of "food."

Kyle is into the why phase of life. Why does it get dark? Why is it cold? Why is that screen red? He asks what. What is his name? What is he carrying? What are we going to do then? He makes all kinds of connections. I have a dinosaur shirt. We don't have this toy at home. That is the way to mammi's house. Daddy's school is in the mountains. He is also demanding and if I don't know the answer he responds with, "NO! NO!" and repeats the question like I'll get it then. Kyle also responds like that if I don't answer his question how he wants me to. He is a never ending source of chatter. He is causing me to lose my mind. Because if it isn't done his way at his speed when he wants it, then heaven help us. I have never said the phrase, "I don't want to ask you more than once." In my whole life. God help us. Literally.

The only relief comes each day after lunch. Quiet time. In order for Aiden to get what he needs from a nap and Kyle too. Kyle watches a "show" quietly in my bed while Aiden sleeps in his crib. Kyle will fall asleep but it takes awhile of forced inactivity in a bed and lasts just 45 minutes followed by another 20 minutes of laying there until he is no longer grumpy. But he won't do quiet time without me---"Mommy come lay with me." "Mommy, put your book down (I only like to watch his kids shows once---we watch them over and over and over and over, sometimes he even has me start them over) and snuggle with me." So we snuggle and inevitably I fall asleep before he does. But he is warm and holds my hand, I stroke his leg, and the top of our heads are tilted until they touch.

We are also in the throws of struggle. Hard core, I might not survive struggle. Where you hit your knees (at least in your mind) several times an hour. This time rivals when we didn't have a car for six months, I was sick with my gallbladder and on percoset and pregnant, and Evan was working 70 hours a week and walking across town to work. Not kidding.

Medically (which is only part of it), we got a diagnosis of eosinophilic endocolitis. Both boys. No cure and no concrete treatment plan. We can try elimination diets to see if that helps but we are going to focus on (1) maintaining growth, (2) managing pain, and (3) managing inflammation and distention of the stomach. Kyle is now on a drug to help him sleep--at three. We have tried the only two appetite stimulants out there, without success. One showed not much success, the other the side effects were too severe.

On Monday, our GI doctor informed us that he is setting us up for a consultation with a surgeon for Kyle to receive a g-tube, which is a tube inserted directly into his stomach thru his abdomen so we can feed him without food having to be eaten orally. It would be for about a year until he can learn to support his growth through his own eating. The appointment is for Friday at 11:30. I'll keep you posted, maybe. It took some research and convincing to get Evan, including several calls to other physician friends. There has also been some intense aggressive backlash from family. That makes a tough situation almost intolerable--it also breeds a quick growing, loud scream of doubt.

Evan gave me a blessing, part of it that really stuck, mentioned I need to have courage to stick firm and stand up. Honestly, I have no idea if I can do it. The place to stand is like a crumbling precipice and I feel like I've been standing for months in a blizzard. My muscles feel like they just might give from sheer exhaustion.

We did one month of gluten free on top of our dairy free. And can I just praise my friend Kirsten? My hero. She is a full time mom of kids my boys' age. She is also a full time student, as is her husband. She spends 12 hours in the library at a time. And she eats a gluten free diet. She and my other friend Sarah (who has a cute chub of a one year old, amazing photography skills, a vagabond lifestyle and a full time job) were my constant text friends to answer all my questions and lead me to good decisions. Controlling the gluten in our house was simple, although we did give up pasta for a month. It was outside--at play dates, restaurants, nursery and family dinners. Several restaurants had no idea what was in their food, or only had allergy information online not in stores---in this day and age that is ridiculous! One store had great packaged gluten free options--like cookies, crackers, pretzels and chicken nuggets (a staple for Kyle), but lacked in basics like baking supplies and alternative pastas, which I had to find at another store. Then there were our regular groceries.

We finished and after a week back on gluten, I'm fairly certain Aiden needs to be on that diet. We will be doing another two weeks of gluten free for him, which I was going to postpone until after Kyle's g-tube decisions, but after several hours of painful screaming last night with no cause in sight, that will be pushed up. We'll try him off of gluten for another two week and bring him back on. If this happens again (blow out diapers at night, frequent lose stools, yeast rashes, and fussy painful crying), we'll know for sure that Aiden needs gluten free and dairy free for good. Kyle however, is fine.

So I think I caught you up in a nutshell, although not a small nutshell :) Oh P.S. The best thing in my life is my friend, Charity, posted on pinterest a link about how to keep your house clean in 15 minutes a day. I started last week and oh, holy, hannah, hallelujah . I love it and it is working. How is it that keeping my house clean--something I've never been able to do--is the only thing I am doing well now that everything else is beyond my grasp.

A Close Shave

2011-09-27T19:07:00.001-06:00

Surgery Day

2011-09-02T15:30:00.011-06:00

04: 33 am: get up, showered and dressed, make sure everything is ready for Evan for the day
05: 14 am: Kyle wakes up and watches tv and begs for food.
05: 38 am: wake up Aiden, change diapers, give blessings, get in the car.
05:56 am: pick up Mammi.

06: 22 am: walk into hospital. Wait to register.
06: 43 am: go upstairs to surgical floor.
06: 55 am: change into hospital garb, meet several nurses, do physical exam, give Aiden medicine, sign my life away while Kyle watches Yo Gabba Gabba on Mammi's iPhone.

07:34 am: walk with anesthesiologist to the red line in the floor, hand over Aiden to go back to surgery.
07: 41 am: say hi to Dr. Mizell and let him know that the one day I couldn't get the kids to poop, was the previous day Clean Out Day even with miralax. Told him we did an enema on Kyle (during which Kyle was laughing) and a glycerin suppository on Aiden the night before. Kyle plays in a coupe car--such cool toys in the waiting room.

07: 45 am: child life came out and brought Kyle a doll to use some medical supplies on.
07:55 am: Kyle was given a drug to make him a little loopy and hopefully sleepy so he wouldn't be so upset at the seperation.
08:10 am: Kyle got silly and was just laughing for no reason, then he began to shove me and laugh for no reason. It was hysterical.
08: 22 am: doctor came and talked to me about Aiden. There was irritation every where he looked. The pictures look bad. We will need to wait for patho to get back to us with the results of the samples. He also found a foreign object that looks like a bead??? What the heck???
08:25 am: Kyle was taken back while I was talking to the doctor. Then Mammi headed over to recovery to be with Aiden.
08: 35 am: went to be with Aiden in post op. Realized my old visiting teachee is our nurse. He almost ripped the slushie out of my hands trying desperately to put his whole mouth in the cup.
09: 04 am: Aiden is discharged and we wait for Kyle. Aiden is super sleepy.

09:18 am: Kyle came out of the OR into recovery. He threw up, stirred, was moved to post op
09:33 am: I spoke with the doctor. All of Kyle looks pretty normal. The stomach sphincter lacks muscle tone just like Aiden's. We'll need to wait for the biopsies to see if any of his eosinophil levels have changed (the whole reason to do it) or his marsh rating (relates to celiac disease). But we have no other procedures we can do for him so from now on it will be controlling pain, appetite and bloating with medication.
10:12 am: Kyle woke up, and so did Aiden from his nap on Mammi. We had 1 1/2 purple slushies and some graham crackers. Aiden played in Kyle's crib.

10:45 am: loaded kids in the car and left the hospital
11:23 am: walked into our house and ate lunch
11:47 am: went out to the swings to swing and crawl around
12:10 pm: Aiden laid down for a nap and Kyle watched a movie

Since then, we've just been laying low. Both have had several bloody diapers (totally normal--he took LOTS of tissue samples). We've eaten a lot and as of right now, Aiden has been sleeping for 3 1/2 hours and Kyle has slept none. But they are still in their pajamas :)

Small Bowel Follow Thru

2011-08-22T20:48:00.002-06:00

We got really good new late last Friday--the boys do not have CF. Which is awesome considering that it is a fatal disease and it can be brutal. So I am very glad for that.

However, we are still without a diagnosis and waiting on results from Aiden's lab work (although F***ing Primary's lab gave ARUP a non-sterile stool sample, even though I asked for a cup, so I had to redo the collection, registration, and drop off AGAIN. I HATE Primary's with a passion---most of the staff are competent and nice enough although overly interested in my personal life, but the bureaucracy and how long it takes to get anything done is almost as bad as China. If I tell you who the pediatrician is one more time, I will have told every person who works at Primary's. I know they have a computer system and look up the boys--isn't it in there after 3 years because our address is? Down off my box now.)

As a mother, I am not overly worried, overly emotional, or overly coddling. I frequently ask my children to come to me if they are hurt and don't do more than ask if they are okay. Kyle always comes, tells me, "I hurt myself," "I'm fine," and goes to find his monkey. This isn't to say that I am heartless, just less touchy-feely. You can see that in how Kyle responds to people crying, "it's fine, Aiden, you okay." Sweet but authoritative, often with petting involved, a perfect mirror of me.

Over the years, we have experienced lots of medical procedures. Both boys have had upper GI x-rays with barium contrast at 2 weeks old and Kyle again at a year. I did not cry and neither did they. We have done multiple blood tests, suffered thru more bleeding diaper rashes than I would care to contemplate, vomiting, uncomfortable belly palpitations, strangers poking and prodding, and Kyle has had both an endoscopy and colonoscopy (requiring complete sedation in an OR). Last week, Kyle even had a finger shoved up his anus, no tears for either parent or child. Last ER visit, Kyle had a melt down over an x-ray, I had no reaction. Thru this all I had been tearless, worried and emotional, but no tears during any procedure.

Kyle and Aiden also behave as great patients, unafraid and very good at holding still, the medical world like stethoscope or exams are child's play to them. Kyle even refers to it as his hospital and Jenny's and Morgan's hospital. He asks to go and recognizes the drive. He thinks other places are hospitals and has no fear of doctors. He is polite and unafraid.

Today was different. Today was traumatic. Today out of this whole process, brought my to my knees. Today I wept openly and fervently. Today my child was held down by two nurses, me, and a doctor at his head while an n-g tube was forcefully shoved down his nose to administer barium which he was unable to drink. The first try resulting in a bloody tube. He thrashed, he kicked, he arched, he screamed, he cried, he yelled, "Mommy, I done!" I cried so uncontrollably. The thought of the memory still makes me cry. I could not utter words to even begin to comfort him. His thumb or monkey were of no consequence. No books, conversations about airplanes, or his birthday party were worthwhile. It was so horrific that words cannot describe---suffice it to say, the doctor and nurse asked if I wanted to step out so I would not have to witness the situation. I did not leave. We both survived. But I later found out, Kyle believed we were getting blood from him, and this is not because I didn't explain it to him.

Those two hours of that test, only 30 minutes involved the n-g tube, broke me as a parent. I'm not sure where to proceed from here.

Patients

2011-08-18T21:14:00.006-06:00

Patient A:

Symptoms: over a month of diarrhea, skin irritated on his bum to the point of bleeding, inability to tolerate soy drink, inability to tolerate milk, displaying signs of pain over the course of several weeks, and increase in reflux akin to vomiting.
Onset of Symptoms: July 5th, 2011
Diagnosis: UNKNOWN
Course of Treatment: stool sample, blood draw, sweat test for CF***
Previous Course of Treatment: put back on Alimentum specialty soy free and dairy free formula. Will move to almond, rice or coconut milk combined with calcium and vitamin supplements.

Patient B:

Symptoms: lack of appetite, distension of abdomen, pain sending us to the ER Saturday night, continue of diarrhea, continued inability to tolerate milk.
Onset of Symptoms: June 19th, 2010
Diagnosis: UNKNOWN, but positive for high amount of eosinophils in stomach and colon.
Treatment Plan: sweat test for CF***, small bowel barium follow thru, a new medication to stimulate appetite. Depending on the way the tests work out, after 3rd birthday will start gluten free diet on top of the diary free diet.
Previous Course of Treatment: biopsy, colonoscopy, endoscopy, celiac blood test negative, negative for IgE, negative for antigens for celiac, negative for food allergy scratch test, no excess fat or sugar in stool, no excess of sugars that ferment and cause gas in bowels, no reaction to steroids, no reaction to anti-histamine also used for appetite stimulant, uses antacids, used antibiotics to rule out giardia, C dif, and cryptosporidium, been on a diary free soy free diet, and then moved to just dairy free.

***To see an explanation of CF, click here. We did the sweat test today, which is what the pictures are from. Both Kyle and Aiden had on each arm, two metal conductors attached for 5 minutes running an electrical current over an area treated with a chemical. It is designed to stimulate the sweat glands. Then a pre-weighed sterile piece of gauze was placed on the site, wrapped in two layers of saran wrap, then a layer of dinosaur coban, followed by a heat pack taped around both arms. On top of this, the hospital had me cloth them in long pants, a sweatshirt, and then a winter coat. There were two hoods on each child and one pair of socks. We were to take them around and encourage movement for 30 minutes. After the gauze was removed and weighed to make sure we had enough sweat to perform the analysis. We did not have to go thru the test again because they both produced enough sweat. Thank goodness. They are testing for high amounts of sodium chloride in the sweat, which is an indicator of most common mutations of CF. There are several mutations of CF.

It was upsetting to my boys because they were unable to hold their loves or suck their finger/thumb to comfort them during the electrical current. They were restrained and although none of the test is painful, the current does cause a tingling sensation like an appendage falling asleep. We will get the results tomorrow.

P.S. This is Aiden trying to crawl with his arms wrapped, a sweater, and a winter coat. We were only following orders trying to promote movement and sweat. Click to see the face in full effect---and don't feel bad about laughing, we sure did. Disclaimer: no babies were hurt in the making of this post.

Yearly Photo Shoot

2011-08-08T22:25:00.033-06:00

Undersharing and the Inability to Move On

2011-08-08T19:38:00.005-06:00

Recently, I've read quite a few posts and ensuing discussions on how much we share on blogs and why. As much as it probably seems that I share quite a bit, I hold back most of what I want to share. Since this has become my only source of journaling and writing, that has not been the best decision ever. I don't share because many of you don't know me that well, or don't know this about me--we became friends thru Evan. I don't share because some of you know my sister. I don't share because I think my sister-in-law reads this blog sometimes. I don't share because I know some of you in "real" life. I don't share because my husband reads my blog. I don't share because my mind is a dark and scary place and I do everything in my power to escape it at all times. I don't share because I want friends and acceptance. I don't share because, as hard as it is to believe, I don't want to offend. I don't share because sometimes I don't want to talk about it, I just want to write it and pretend it doesn't exist. I don't share because people don't agree with me. I don't share because what could anyone say?

But something happened last night at 11:27 pm. I stumbled across my brother's status update on Facebook and his wife's comment.

Kelly: "incompatibility of temperament has caused the irremediable breakdown of our marriage" is a hard statement to sign your name to...especially when your 'pattern of behavior' is partly the military lifestyle.
Sarah: You have been very gracious, Kelly. I am so grateful that you can peacefully let me go and that we can keep our lines of communication open. I wish you well.

So after some Facebook stalking, the only interaction I have with 99% of my family, I realized that Kelly was getting a divorce from his wife of 4 years. While this is nothing new in our society and nothing new in my family, I have been devastated. Not because he is getting a divorce, which is terribly sad. I really liked the 1 hour I spent with his wife. But mostly because this is the death of my hope of ever seeing Kelly again. The last time I saw Kelly, I was 13. He came with the current caseworker to my boarding school for the closing ceremonies of the year. That was over 13 years ago. More time has passed since I last saw my brother than my whole life with him. There was a phone call when I was 15 where he told me that I would never change and that I would never succeed. I didn't deserve a chance or a family.

But Sarah, his wife. I met her just a few years ago, the Thanksgiving after Kyle was born. It was in a small diner by the airport on her layover to go see Kelly, who is in the air force and was in training. I missed an opportunity to see her again at Christmas while we were all in Portland, a decision purely made to keep peace in my family. I felt hope because she had hope. She wanted to know me. She wanted to know about our childhood. She held Kyle. I have a picture with her.

Now she'll go. He won't be any closer to talking to me. He friended me on Facebook, but he won't respond to comments or emails. He won't return my calls when I tell him about being pregnant with his nephews or when they are born. He doesn't respond to Christmas cards. It is almost torturous to feel close because I can hear his thoughts and view pictures on Facebook and yet, he's gone. There was no graduation announcement, no wedding invitation, all I know I have learned from Facebook. I don't exist.

I wish that it was just him that I don't exist for, but that is not the case. Kelly is Facebook friends with cousins that we've never been close to, he is friends with a brother who won't even friend me on Facebook. That brother, Cory, is also Facebook friends with cousins we have never been close to. I haven't seen Cory since I was 12, it was a birthday party for Heidi. There was a story in the newspaper when I was in high school about him and his high school crew team. There was gossip passed on from others, particularly my sister who spoke with his foster family. There have been two phone calls the last 10 years ago, where he said he doesn't think of me ever, I'm not his family, and he wants me to never contact him again.

I'm not supposed to speak of these things with my family. No one understands how I feel about these things. How I feel the same way I did when I was 3, 7, 15 (pretty much any age). When I was alone, scared, confused, and no one would talk to me truthfully. It is the same now, except that I am told, "We just need to move forward from here," or "What good will it do?" or "I don't remember." I can't, but instead I am locked in this limbo. The older I get, the more "normal" I look with kids and a husband. Living life. No one knows these things about me because no one knew me back when these things were obvious in my life--try to hide lesbian foster parents when all your friends are LDS or how you don't go home for Christmas in college.

For me the rejection and the hurt haven't diminished over time. Instead, I get better at hiding it. I get better at hiding in my "normal" LDS life. I slip into the mold. I work hard to please people so I can have friends. Every time my mother makes it clear that although she loves me there are more important people in her life and even the beach vacations are more important, I hide the feelings quickly away.

Last year, I met my uncle and his wife. I hadn't seen that uncle since I was 3 years old because of my parent's decisions. It had been 23 years. He told me that if he and his first wife had known what was happening in my family 23 yeas ago, he would have taken me and all my siblings. I would have had a family and known my siblings, and yet I have never uttered those words that he told me to anyone. I could have bypassed 33 foster homes, 2 group homes, and a boarding school. How do I even mourn what that knowledge does? Who would I discuss this with? I'm supposed to build my relationships with them from here. No one wants to discuss those possibilities with me and while it may be painful, I don't think moving on is always the answer.

So here we sit. Kelly is in Texas. I am in Utah. I can't comfort him. I can't offer my condolences. I can't invite him for dinner. I don't exist. I'm one of hundreds of friends that he has. I blend into the background. He'll will most likely never know my husband or children. We will never know each other as adults. That hurts.

TK + TOTS

2011-07-25T20:44:00.002-06:00

So I have a good friend from high school. That is right, an old friend (that is a really long time for me---I only still talk to 2 people from high school). Well, there isn't much to say about her. Except that she is completely and totally drop dead gorgeous, talented, and she has two little kids yet herself and her husband are in school full time. She is in short amazing.

She has spent the last few months giving tutorials on how to improve your blog and do things you don't know how to do. I have tried some of them---the picture format you might have noticed changed. But so many of those things just seem beyond me. And I have no idea what layout and color scheme I should choose. Thank goodness, she is giving a blog makeover/redesign giveaway. I want to win so desperately. Feel free to enter, or at least go checkout her tutorials if you are trying to improve your blog--the links are on the right hand sidebar. Seriously. Head on over. So worth it. Even if you just look at her beautiful kids.

Temple Square

2011-07-21T19:28:00.011-06:00

Have I told you recently how obsessed with the temple this child is? Oh, I haven't. Well, let me tell you. He is OBSESSED! It started with an family home evening, he and I had months ago when Aiden was a wee little one who was always sleeping. We leafed through a special edition of the Ensign sent out about the temple. We flipped through page after page and although I tried to talk to him about it, all we really did was point out every Angel Moroni and made trumpet noises.

Several months went by and we really didn't revisit the subject. But then in June an edition of the Friend came in the mail, or as we call it around here, "Kyle ma-zine." It had a picture of the temple and he immediately pointed out Angel Moroni and made a trumpet noise, that afternoon I was instructed to draw the temple and the angel on our driveway in sidewalk chalk. Since then, obsession!! We have a picture of the Salt Lake Temple that I hung a few weeks ago, and he always points to it. He gets upset if he can't come with us to the temple. He also told me two days ago (after weeks of wanting a monkey birthday) that he wants a temple birthday.

To satisfy, this little boy. We decided spur of the moment to take a picnic down to Temple Square and see the temple. It was hot, but awesome. He loved it, although he is in a phase of always asking to go home. Once we had the picnic everyone behaved much better.

We saw the reconstruction of the Salt Lake Temple and showed Kyle all the details inside. I love the middle building although I don't know what it is called, we picnicked on the lawn right by it. We took in the Christus statue and Evan ruined it by talking about how the mural's view of the universe is not physically possible and out of perspective. But we love him anyway. We also toured the Conference Center, something Evan and I have never done. It was also worth waiting thru the rest of the tour to see the roof. The roof is to die for, particularly the scene at the back where you and the temple are reflected in the black marble mural. Awesome.

Funny story, when we were on the roof of the Conference Center a man started to play the bagpipes on the street below. Kyle ran to the ledge and started saying, "Angel Moroni, horn!" over and over. It took some time to convince him it was the bagpipes and point the man out several stories below us.

Naked Jumping

2011-07-19T12:50:00.005-06:00

So I snuck outside one evening while I was making dinner, earlier this summer. It was the first day that we'd had the pool out. Kyle was so eager to get in, and I was too busy to go get his swim suit. But I did have time to strip him down before shooing him out of my kitchen. He was practicing jumping in and out of the pool, while I took these pictures on the sly.

While Kyle was perfectly content to play in the two inches of water outside--he didn't even want to come in once dinner was made. Aiden looked like this:

Sprinklers

2011-07-13T11:45:00.000-06:00

Way back at the beginning of June, we got out the sprinkler. It was Kyle's second experience with the sprinkler and the first one didn't go well, but I kept the sprinkler low and he enjoyed it. We washed all our toys, including our dinosaurs. We washed pine cones and sticks. I'm hoping that at some point this weird bipolar, patchy, humid, rainy weather will stop and we'll be able to get the sprinkler, water table, and pool back out.

Sidewalk Chalk Festival

2011-07-12T11:01:00.006-06:00

Back on June 18th, we went to the Sidewalk Chalk Festival at the Gateway. It is something that I've done for several years now, although I missed last year. It is so wonderful and the artists are just amazing with what they can do with chalk on the sidewalk. The greatest part of this is that it benefits foster care.

We even got a family picture because my best mom friend came with us, Nichola. She has five kids. Kyle loves their house and is obsessed with Nichola. He thinks he sees her at the grocery store and asks to go eat lunch at her house. It is the only place in the world that he doesn't ask to go home from. Frequently, we plan a few hour play date and end up staying until well after the kids bed time. I'll admit it, we moved where we did partly to be closer to this family. Besides delivering Aiden and deal with my emotions from the pregnancy with Kyle--Bri's greatest gift to me in this life was introducing me to Nichola at a mom party 18 months ago. Nichola and I both have husbands in school--although her's is in medical school, and we both birth our babies at home :) Honestly, she keeps me sane.

(Eden is the newest, and was only a few weeks old here, but she is in the wrap on Nichola's chest, in case you were only counting 4)

Aren't her kids the cutest? Seriously!

It was very crowded--each year the festival seems to get more crowded. To top it off it was hot too (wish we were still having weather like that instead of rain every day for weeks), thank goodness it is held at the Gateway with the fountain. So we quickly saw the sidewalk chalk and played in the fountain. We all had a great time and I even relieved Evan at one point while we played in the fountain and sent him to the Apple store. To finish off the perfect day we had pizza and popsicle/ice cream in Nichola's backyard while the kids jumped on the trampoline, dug in the sandbox, and played on the swing set. It was the highlight of my birthday.

First Birthday Teaser

2011-07-10T20:45:00.003-06:00

So Saturday was someone's first birthday. Do you know who?

That's right. This kid!

Ear Ache Update

2011-07-03T21:05:00.003-06:00

I know that you all are dying to know, just checking my blog ever six minutes to see if I've told you the drama of the ear ache outcome. Come on, don't lie! Well, to appease all of you, I'll tell you. This is detailed and alludes to cussing--just FYI.

I got an appointment Friday morning for the doctor, the clinic I wanted to go to would not see me same day since I had not seen a doctor there. The instacare was a choice, but felt like it would be too expensive. So I went to the doctor that I had seen in March, because it was cheaper to see a doctor again than a new visit ($80 as opposed to $120). Dr. Rasmussen, had prescribed a lot of meds back in March, but I went anyway, cheap is cheap right?

Bad choice. My mother-in-law, bless her soul, came over on her day off and lent me her car so I could go. I waited 45 minutes to see the good doctor, and had to see a P.A. student first. Of course, once the doctor walked in to my exam room, it was only 13 minutes until I was in my car with the prescription driving away. Seriously! I was told that I had an ear infection in the right ear and that the pain on that side of my face was likely due to pressure, although if it didn't go away I could have shingles (that should have been my first clue). I had a bulging ear drum on the clogged left side because my ears are not draining. He made me feel bad for not having seen a doctor sooner for my chest cough--after 1 week he said you should go see a doctor for a cough (bullsh**). He said I might have asthma (no, I don't). That my cough didn't just start, it had to start as a cold (no it didn't). Anyway, I was told to get a nose spray, decongestant (I'd been taking one since Wednesday), a trial inhale (seriously) and an antibiotic (those are usually only given when high fevers accompany the ear infection---most effective is to get the fluid to drain---decongestant).

I left. Not pleased, but not terribly upset. I got to the pharmacy immediately afterwards and was told that the antibiotic he prescribed was $150. Are you ****ing kidding me. I called the doctor's office---everyone was at lunch and there was nothing that could be done for another thirty minutes. I have to admit that I lost it and punched a shelf. I'd have to wait another hour to get it filled and get home to my boys who had been with my mother-in-law who had been with them for 2 hours already. What an insensitive prick for having prescribed a $150 drug to a self-pay patient. Rude. Especially because there was no need--a $4 antibiotic would have worked just fine and an antibiotic was not even necessary because they don't help much for an ear infection. I was crying when I got home to my mother-in-law with no antibiotic.

Well, long story short and several other health professionals in my life consulted. I am still not better. I need to let the decongestants work longer and get things moving. That is what needs to happen: drainage. I still can't hear and occasionally am having horrible pain. I am going to try to get this to work, but I know that I'll have to talk to the doctor again on Tuesday about the antibiotic, which I did not get. If this doesn't clear in another week, I'll have to see someone else.

So that is the long and short of it. Still trying to hold on to the fact that God keeps telling me to be patient, hasn't given me any course correction, and that he keeps saying this will get better. I'm not good at patient or delayed gratification. I need to figure out what this is supposed to teach me.

Ear Ache

2011-07-01T05:14:00.003-06:00

So I've been up since 4: 30 this morning, which I'm really not complaining about since I went to bed at 7:30 last night and was finally able to sleep without two percocets since Monday night. See, Monday late morning, I realized one of my ears was completely clogged. I could not hear out of it and it was driving me crazy and painful. I did research and tried flushing it and steaming it and heat. By that evening, I was in a lot of pain, and my right side of my face hurt too. I knew that when Evan got home, I would get a blessing and I would be healed by morning. The blessing said I would be healed through my faith--and I knew that Heavenly Father could and would heal me.

Well, on Wednesday, I went and bought a decongestant to thin the mucus which I've taken every 4 hours religiously (after plenty of research I thought this was a sinus infection and that is what needed to be done and recommended on the internet). I did not buy the recommended Mucinex-D because that was $22 for 24 pills, but the off brand with a little less of the guaifenesen for $2.35. Well, fast forward this this morning and I am still at a pain level of about 6 (out of 10--common doctor pain scale rating). My ear sometimes hurts, but mostly the other side of my face: jaw, temple, sometimes throat, all hurt something crazy. I was really hoping to not to go to a doctor, because as well all know, I am not covered by insurance. But I am going to have to. I'll try to look up a discounted clinic and see if I can get in today--I know that if I don't go today it will either be the instacare or most likely, the ER because of the holiday weekend and I don't want to pay those types of cost. Plus, I'm so tired of this. I have major things to do on my to do list before Aiden's birthday bash and I just feel miserable and like I am barely getting through my days.

I've had two other blessings and I just don't know why I am not being healed. I know that He can, I know that I'm worthy for that blessing, but I am not being healed. I really want to be because I just can't afford more medical bills to be paid. But it is not my will that matters, if He wants my family to pay for a doctor's visit and medication, then He will make a way. Plus, I read a great article in the July Ensign about going forward and He will make course corrections as we need them as opposed to just sitting and waiting in what could potentially be a "spiritual dead spot." FYI: I love the Ensign, I read it cover to cover each month, and I sometimes neglect my motherly duties to do so, it is the best birthday gift that I've ever been given (thank you Alyse for both years of my subscription).

So please pray that I'll get an appointment this morning, pray that it will be $50, pray that is nothing more than a sinus infection and the prescription will be $4. Pray that my children will be good, patient, and sweet in the doctor's office. Pray that it will be quick effective and that it will not ruin my holiday. Pray that this racking, productive (in case you don't know: that means there is stuff that comes up when I cough, oh TMI, sorry!) cough that I've had now for three weeks and is probably related to this head stuff will go too. I have things to do, a BBQ to attend, and a party to prepare for. Plus, I have awesome posts with pictures about someone who is a God send, the yard cleanup day, sprinklers, birthdays, and so much more---all waiting for energy to be composed so you, my few and faithful, readers know what is going on in our life.

Also, if you want to read a hilarious story about my friend who lives in China, click here. I can just see this happening.

2 Nephi 4

2011-06-23T19:50:00.004-06:00

17Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

18I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.
...
24and angels came down and ministered unto me.
...
26O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?
...
30Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

31O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

32May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

33O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

34O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I bask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, other people say what we are feeling so much better than we can ourselves. Sometimes, we didn't even know we felt it.

Dinosaur Day

2011-06-16T21:25:00.013-06:00

It was a dinosaur kind of day: on our romper, our unders, and our shirt; if only the rubber cleaning glove matched.

Bottles of Love

2011-06-16T21:18:00.000-06:00

Kyle hasn't wanted to give Aiden his bottle in months. But he asked the other morning. Too bad, seconds after the last picture he pushed Aiden off his lap :) I wish with all my heart that he would learn how to be sweet to Aiden without mauling him. Do you think that ever happens?

Music Therapy

2011-06-12T20:54:00.001-06:00

Evan had to work on Saturday because his boss was out of town. Luckily, they have added a cool new program on Saturday mornings---music therapy. They now have a woman with her master's in music therapy come and play instruments and sing. The residents get to play instruments too and she works with them individually. She has a magic bag of tricks that has hand drums, rattles, maracas, cow bells, cymbals, other wooden noise makers, and bells. I think that Kyle dug through to find and try every noise maker she had. It was heaven. It is now my favorite activity they do, although "mingo" is still at the top of my list.

Even Aiden has a maraca

This was to silence them and feel the vibrations

Tanner Park Picnic on a Sunday Morn

2011-06-05T21:18:00.000-06:00

We had a baby blessing to attend with a late sacrament meeting start. So bright and early this morning at 8:30 we loaded the kids (Kyle is now sick with a fever, runny nose, cough, and gooey eyes) and a small picnic to go to Tanner Park. It was a really nice morning before we went home for pre-church naps.

"the playground, Mommy"

He did not like this at all. And I made him wait until I got a good picture of him crying

He was clawing to get to Evan

"Kyle love swinging, Mommy"

He's somewhat okay like this, with very small swinging motion, of course

"I love climbing, Mommy"

"I did it, Mommy"

Blessing of the Animals

2011-06-04T22:04:00.002-06:00

Once a year, Evan's work, Silverado, does a blessing of the animals. It involves all the residents, residents' family, staff, staff family, and all their animals to come to the facility and enjoy a blessing. We gather as a community, which is actually what they call it, in the main courtyard under umbrellas and with bottles of frozen water. Nutrition makes homemade treats for the humans and homemade treats for the animals, which are mainly dogs. The Silverado chaplin blesses each animal with a non-denominational blessing and gives them a certificate, hand written at the time, and personalized to the animal.

The part that really makes the festivities to me:

The Butterfly Release

One person from each family, who has lost someone in the last year, is invited into a circle. All families who lost a member of the Silverado community within the last year are invited back for this; however, many more participate. The envelopes in the top picture are handed out. The butterflies are enclosed in those folded pieces of paper. The butterflies are symbolic of how for their weight, butterflies consume the largest amount of food. They eat and eat and eat, much like grief in the beginning of loss. Then it rest, and finally emerges beautiful. Much like grief loses it's bite over time and eventually turns into sweet memories and thoughts of those lost. All the butterflies are released together while the harp music plays in the background.

I participated for the first time this year. In honor of Briana. Although two dogs threatened to eat my butterfly, no joke, it lingered for a significant amount of time. It even nestled on my shirt before it flew away. I thought it was a symbolic remembrance that she would love.

The part that means the most to Kyle:

The Pony Rides

Kyle tells us that he rode a pink pony. Even though Aiden has been running an uncontrollable fever (Thursday night he hit 105.1) and was diagnosed with a double ear infection and eye infection in both eyes---he too had fun with the animals. Don't worry, the doctor told us he wasn't contagious and we had lots of meds and antibiotics in his system. We did not stay long both boys were cranky. But it was a gorgeous day and we all enjoyed it.

Kyle asked me to take a picture of these dogs. There were tons of dogs and both boys were in such heaven. We even petted all the dogs available for adoption. Kyle screamed bloody murder each time he was licked. He does not like that, but still loves dogs. I am not a dog lover at all, but both my boys just love them like crazy. When Aiden was holding my hands standing, a dog came over and licked his mouth, Aiden looked up at me and smiled his crazy tooth smile. He just loves them, even the licking, even the mouth licking :)

This Afternoon

2011-05-31T19:25:00.000-06:00

The Poop is Worth It

2011-05-30T21:21:00.004-06:00

So I believe that I've mentioned how Morgan, Jenny's daughter, is staying with us while Jenny is in the hospital again because of CF. Morgan, Mo, or Monie, is 11 months younger than Kyle and 11 months older than Aiden. I love having her. I get excited just unpacking her cute little purple jean leggings and seeing her little crocs. Have I mentioned that I really want a daughter, which is funny since I hate pink. She is great to have along and Evan's family adores her---so much so Papa was calling her his girl. Everyone adores her and she is so well behaved, unless with Jenny (sorry, just saying!). We got asked in Park City if we had twins, I almost said yes, and honestly, unless you hear Mo talk compared to Kyle---they are the same size----it is impossible to tell the difference.

But today!! We got up and there is snow on the ground and car. Kyle insists on wearing his snow boots on May 30th. I dropped Evan at work so I could have the car. Yes, it is a holiday and yes, he has to work those if it falls on one of his normal days. People still have Alzheimer's on holidays. At least, he didn't work both Saturday and Monday. I get half way to Smith's, phone call, Evan left his work keys and lunch at home. I have to drive home, then back to his work, and then back to the grocery store. Put Kyle and Mo in the car cart at Smiths, huge fights over "mine" although both had a steering wheel and horn. Pushing ensued. Get everyone home. Feed everyone.

Lay everyone down for nap (1 poop change). Mo falls asleep, Kyle poops, change him, both boys still awake, Aiden falls asleep, Kyle wakes Mo up, Mo cries (still tired). I come in and threaten Kyle within an inch of his life. This is the first 30 minutes. Then Mo and Kyle start yelling and stopping around. Wake Aiden up. Nap over. Change three poopy diapers bringing the count to 5 in 90 minutes. Tally: Kyle: 0 minutes slept, Morgan: 30, Aiden: 20. Put Kyle back in unders and in the 5 minutes to load the car, he's wet himself. Load all in the car to go to the hospital and Kyle falls asleep.

Get everyone upstairs to Jenny's room. Everyone wants a snack. Only one sippy for Mo, because last time Kyle didn't need it. Many melt downs from tired children. Aiden falls asleep in stroller, bump wakes him. Morgan sticks her hand down her diaper into her poop. Aiden blowing raspberries while eating (Kyle never did that). Make it through 4 hours---everyone has had enough. Get everyone in the car: all asleep. Still have 2 1/2 hours before we can go home because we have to met Evan at his work and wait for him to get off----1 car!

It's been rough, but as I was driving to Evan's work and I was looking in the rear view mirror watching eyelids slowly blink longer and longer and Morgan's arm bent to cushion her head, I realized it was worth it. I drove 15 miles out of my way so they could sleep, I could hear soft toddler breathing, and Aiden's occasional sucking on his fingers. The sun was breaking through the clouds. The music was just right.

Worth the moment were I was carrying Aiden, holding Morgan's hand who was holding Kyle's...a little line of ducklings going to the store. Morgan was saying my name in the hospital sounding like ET, or where Kyle finally called Jenny, "Jenny," and not, "that one." Where Morgan yelled to Evan after we dropped him off, "bye Daddy," waving big. Where Morgan brought Kyle his shoes, "ear doe," (here you go). The kisses that Morgan gave Jenny when she would come over and pull down her mask and then replace it when we were at Primary's. The sweet sounds Aiden had for his new love, cousin Nikki. The helicopter and panda squiggles Kyle drew me on the window at the hospital. Kyle telling Morgan to "Morgan, look at my pee."

Playing "mingo" at Daddy's work. Aiden chewing on Evan's lanyard. A thoughtful call from my mother-in-law offering to watch the kids so I could go to Old Navy after Park City's disappointment. Hearing Jenny's laugh and being reminded of Teresa.

Chasing the "itty" and saying "meow." And the growls shared between these two during lunch. Lots of roaring. Peeing in the bathroom by myself. Aiden standing up against a resident's wheelchair, smiling up at him, while the resident stroked his head. Seeing Kyle's surprise that the buttons make the bed go up and down when pushed.

Funny faces. Sweet smiles, and the million bye-byes to everyone she saw. Her holding a resident's hand to walk down the hall. Chase: at home, at the hospital, at Silverado. Being complimented on Aiden's soft head.

Kyle giving Morgan some of his chicken nuggets in return for her banana chips. "Aiyle" being yelled through the house to see where he has gone. Kyle clenching his Mickey Mouse mask from Primary's to take to "work." "Mommy play mingo, Kyle play mingo, Morgan play mingo?" when told we were going to Daddy's work for Bingo. "I like mingo," when answered in the affirmative.

It feels good to be around two little toddlers. Not a bad Memorial Day.

Park City, A Movie

2011-05-28T21:18:00.001-06:00

So today we had our second adventure of Evan's Saturday off. We went to the outlet malls, shopped (although I am so angry that the stores have nothing. I've been waiting to go buy some summer clothes without holes and stains until today and even in Old Navy---my major standby---only had tank tops, butt shorts, and swim suit attire), and had a picnic in the playground area. It was not as much fun as I thought---we went into 5 or 6 stores and I didn't even find anything to try on.

We are again privileged and lucky to have Morgan staying with us. She will be tagging along on our adventures for awhile.

Evan was trying to keep them occupied. And although Morgan did have a fun time, she was not happy at that moment to be with Evan and not me. She calls me mommy---which of course I adore. She also loves Aiden and calls him baby and frequently points to Kyle and calls him Kyle. Seriously, today I would have taken 6 of her over any of Kyle---he refuses to hold anyone's hand anywhere.

Because of all the shopping and walking, we wore the kids out. Since, Alyse had free tickets to the alpine slide at the Olympic Park. Evan and all the children slept in the car while Alyse and I went on a ride. It was windy today, but it was a gorgeous view and it was a fun experience for my first time. But it would never be worth $15, free it was amazing and we got to ride the sky lift up and have some time together without little kiddos.

This afternoon, after we got home, we took everyone to Kung Fu Panda 2. I again forgot the camera and Evan his phone--so again no pictures. If only you could have seen Kyle and Morgan in their seats, their body weight didn't even hold the seats all the way down. It was so sweet. They both had a great time; however, Aiden is so wiggly all the time now that it was difficult in the movie, the last twenty minutes he finally settled and fell asleep. I LOVE the first Kung Fu Panda, Jack Black is Evan's famous doppelganger, which means Evan will never be famous. So I love that watching Po is like watching Evan. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was an entirely new story line and very different from the first. I'll admit, I cried in it. Evan and I, along with the audience, were all laughing out loud at several points.

I think I'm going to do all these things on my blog and I just haven't. The saying is, "when it rains, it pours." It seems like it is always either raining or more frequently pouring in our lives--I've begun to wonder if that is what life is like for everyone and actually what the definition of life is. So bare with me, and don't judge if I don't get around to experimenting with picture layout with our Easter pictures until October.

Evan's Sacrament Talk

2011-05-28T20:53:00.001-06:00

When I was 19, I left my life in Oklahoma to serve the people of Fresno, CA on a full time LDS mission. I served faithfully, grew immensely, and became completely immersed in the work. On one day in particular I remember going to a member’s house to find an address. When the members opened the door the father said through his tears “Elders we prayed you here.”

When I came home I slowly fell apart. As directed and purposeful as I felt on my mission, it was to that extent that I felt lost and useless at home. I was no longer feeling the promptings of the spirit. I didn’t feel his guidance in my life. In retrospect I know that I stopped doing the things that would bring the spirit in to my life and my expectations of feeling the spirit as I did when I was in the mission field were unreasonable.

I went back to BYU and struggled. I had trouble holding down a job. I couldn’t bring myself to go to my classes. I spent days on the couch crying and reading and watching MTV’s Road Rules vs. Real World The Gauntlet pt. 2. It was unfortunately during this time that I met Holly. God bless her for giving me a second chance. I buried myself in this depression. Brothers and sisters the sadness was overwhelming. And I can’t say I wasn’t trying. I found an old journal the other day. It was full of goals I had written down and scriptures that I wanted to memorize. I wanted to be active and faithful. I wanted to feel the spirit. I wanted a temple marriage. But there was a disconnect in my logic. I wanted those things but I wanted to do them myself. I wanted to do all of the work. I didn’t want any help. This led to alienating myself from the church and my friends. Ultimately, in a perfect storm of being broken up with, fired, and academically suspended from school I moved in with my parents. I’m sorry mom and dad that wasn’t the best time for us. But I really wanted to be good. The only job I could find was at Jamba Juice and it paid $6.40 an hour. I tried going back to school at the community college (several times, actually) to the same end. I would go and then just stop going. It was this strange holding pattern that would be adequate to describe my whole life for about four years. I felt like I was fighting tooth and nail and couldn’t get ahead. And, let me tell you I was.

This was the worst time in my life. I felt abandoned by the God I loved and served. I felt scared and cold. What I didn’t realize was that I was the one that chose to “waste [my] substance with riotous living.” I was the Prodigal Son. No one else made the decision to leave His graces. I made those choices and I could not escape the consequences. In my despair I thought that God didn’t love me. And though I didn’t say it or want to believe it I secretly resented and despised Him. I thought he hadn’t given me anything.

Then I met Holly. Brothers and sisters, allow me to gush over my wife for a minute. She is the most impressive and capable woman I have ever met. With the help of the Lord she took the broken man that I described just a minute ago and turned him into me. She made my life work. When I look at her I see the face of God. I see his hand in my life through her. She helped me to become responsible financially, academically, mentally and spiritually. No man has ever been helped more than I have by Holly. She is no less than the single reason that I stand before you today. All of my successes are hers.

I heard it once said that God can make more out of our lives that we can. I know that this is true. The topic I was asked to speak on is what activity in the church has given me. I say, it has given me a chance. A chance at being a father and husband that holds the priesthood; a chance to receive revelation for my family; a chance to partner with the Lord and become what I always wanted to become but could not on my own.

In 2 Kings there is a story of the prophet Elisha that is pretty remarkable. It is in the sixth chapter. Verse 15 reads:

15 And when the servant of the man of God was risen early, and gone forth, behold, an host compassed the city both with horses and chariots. And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! how shall we do?

Elisha was giving information to the king of Israel that he received through revelation. This did not make the king of Syria happy so he sent thousands of soldiers to kill Elisha. So the servant of Elisha wakes up, yawns, stretches and throws open the curtain to see numberless amounts of soldiers. I would say that he was justified in his fear. But the prophet teaches us all a lesson in his response:

16 And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.

And just be to be thorough.

17 And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha.

Without the Gospel of Jesus Christ I would be lost. I know that there were days when I through open the curtain and saw thousands of soldiers that wanted my soul. But I know that there where more on my side, even when I couldn’t see them or even deserved them. Even though I gave up on God, I testify that God never gave up on me.

What did I get from coming back to the fold? A beautiful family? Yes. Direction and purpose? Yes. The ability to hold and exercise the priesthood? Yes. But the most important thing I received when I came back to the Church was a second chance at becoming the man that I intended to be when I accepted the Lord’s plan in heaven.

In April of 2003, Elder Holland, in a conference talk, asked all of the parents what their children know. He says:

“Might we ask ourselves what our children know? From us? Personally? Do our children know that we love the scriptures? Do they see us reading them and marking them and clinging to them in daily life? Have our children ever unexpectedly opened a closed door and found us on our knees in prayer? Have they heard us not only pray with them but also pray for them out of nothing more than sheer parental love? Do our children know we believe in fasting as something more than an obligatory first‐Sunday‐of‐the‐month hardship? Do they know that we have fasted for them and for their future on days about which they knew nothing? Do they know we love being in the temple, not least because it provides a bond to them that neither death nor the legions of hell can break? Do they know we love and sustain local and general leaders, imperfect as they are, for their willingness to accept callings they did not seek in order to preserve a standard of righteousness they did not create? Do those children know that we love God with all our heart and that we long to see the face—and fall at the feet—of His Only Begotten Son? I pray that they know this.”

I want them to know what I believe in. I want them to know that I believe in inspired leadership. I need them to know that I honor my priesthood. More than anything I want my sons to know that I love God. I want them to know that I love God more than money and possessions and that the only way to show our love for God is to do His work. Because of the Church and the Gospel of Jesus Christ I have a shot at that. I have the opportunity to be that man that I never would have been without the love of an Eternal Father.

In closing, let me share a personal story. This is when I as the proverbial Prodigal Son “came to myself” decided that all of my efforts were lost without the Lord. I look to the 15th chapter of Luke to further explain these feelings. It says:

17 And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!

18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee,

19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants.

During the time in my life when I decided to go back to school I had been active in the church for about two years. I had been keeping my covenants, regularly going to the temple, paying my tithes et cetera. But I hadn’t really completely surrendered all of my trust to the Lord. The Spirit had commanded us that I should go back to school. But going back to school would be a very expensive prospect, not only because of tuition and books but also because I was leaving a very lucrative management position at that very same Jamba Juice that I started at when I moved in with my parents to fully devote my time my school work. This was scary for us. We had one child and plans for another very soon. We lost our health insurance, cashed out my 401k and as the sole provider for our family I was scared. We went to the temple one night and I prayed and expressed my concerns to the Lord and a marvelous thing happened. I return to the text of Luke. It says:

20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

21 And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.

22 But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet:

23 And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry:

24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.

When I was at the temple lamenting what we would do and how we would accomplish this thing that we had been commanded to do I was embraced by the Lord and though I had been active for a few years it was in this moment that I knew that I was back in His fold and that the Lord would take care of our little family. It would be terribly hard but all the way I knew that the Lord would take me and make me into what he needed me to be. This was the moment when I came full circle.

Sacrament Talk

2011-05-22T00:45:00.002-06:00

As those of you know, Evan and I are speaking in sacrament today. Here is my talk: (I'm not offended if you choose not to read this---it is long. I was tasked with speaking 15 minutes :)

When the Bishop and Brother Brain came to our house to ask us to speak Tuesday night, they asked me if we wanted a topic. Of course, I wanted a topic, I did not want to be paralyzed by trying to decide first what topic I wanted to speak on and THEN what I was going to say. Just deciding what to say is bad enough. We sat there as Bishop thought and finally he said, “What has the Church brought to your life?” At first I thought he was asking me that question right there and then. I started to rack my brain for an answer---and there was nothing. Then I realized that was to be our topic---I got even more panicked. I knew that Evan would not write his talk until Sunday morning, maybe Saturday night if he stayed awake long enough. I really don't blame him, he has a lot on his plate. However, I never thought this topic would keep me from finishing my talk until late Saturday night, or if we are honest early this morning as well. I just don't work that well under last minute pressure. But I honestly had a blank mind for days and days.

Then I realized that there is NOTHING that the Church and since the Gospel is why the Church itself exists, the Gospel itself does not bring to my life. We are told in Mosiah 2:21

I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.

So if he is giving me life, breath, and agency, then I know and see from my life that he is also giving me a mighty long list of other blessings in my life. I know we were blessed with a flexible job for Evan which providing food, shelter, amenities. If you start to really think about it, the gratitude becomes overwhelming.

However as I thought, I was reminded of a scripture that Evan reminded me of gently several weeks ago:

28And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

29And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

30Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

While I just used the scripture as found in Matthew 6:28-30, this scripture about lilies of the field appears in both The Book of Mormon and The Doctrine and Covenants---meaning that apparently the Lord very much wanted all dispensations to remember this sentiment and I would suggest take comfort from it.

That is what the Church brings to my life comfort. You could also use these words to describe the same feeling: hope, faith, fortitude, trust, or peace.

During the October 1999 General Conference Elder Holland gave an address entitled, “An High Priest of Good Things to Come.” They have made an except of this talk into a Mormon Messages movie on YouTube. He gives a story about radiator trouble when he and his wife were moving cross country, broke, with two small children the youngest 3 months.

On a Tuesday last September I was following my sister up Big Cottonwood Canyon to have a picnic at Silver Lake. She was leading because I'd never been there. It was a gorgeous day, my windows were down and both my boys were in the back seat. Aiden was 2 months old. A few miles from the top of the canyon, the car started to slow. I pushed on the gas, nothing. I changed gears thinking it was the incline, nothing. Then smoke, I was able to pull three feet off the road at the only restaurant up that part of the canyon at the end of that parking area before the car just died.

My sister was ahead of me so she was gone. She had no cell reception. Evan was at work, I had our only car. We had just put $800 in that Volvo in June. I thought it might have something to do with the rear ending we had received two days previous—Sunday night. I had not called our insurance company because we did not think the damage to be worth it. However, after calling the tow company and had it taken to our trusted frequently used mechanic. I also called our insurance company to get the car assessed for the damages from Sunday's accident. My sister, had her husband who works at the base of the canyon drive up to met us. My mother and I continued in my sister's car, while Heidi took her husband back to work and met us at Silver Lake. We were able to have a wonderful afternoon enjoying our picnic and a beautiful walk around the lake. Then Heidi graciously allowed me to borrow her car that evening until I could get a rental through our insurance because of the accident and pending assessment.

On Thursday, the shop finally looked at the car. We were told at 4 pm, the engine had seized. The engine had no oil, but because we'd been having electrical problems with the Volvo every warning lights on the dash about over heating and oil never came on. We had no idea. I called Evan who was supposed to work until 8pm that night that he need to come home. We had to buy a car that night because our rental needed to be returned the next day. We said a prayer on the way to CarMax, we walked in at 6:30 and walked out at 9:15 with our 2009 Dodge Grand Caravan. We were afraid we would not be approved for financing, not a problem. We even received a rate half of what we expected. Our meager down payment was more than what was asked. What the insurance payed out for the damage from the accident on Sunday plus what we got for selling the Volvo covered what we owed on the Volvo. This example is one of hundreds that have occurred for our small family over the course of our marriage.

That situation worked out perfectly for us. It actually could not have been better planned. But of course those days were not without stress—I was dealing with insurance companies after all; however, I never feared that we would not be taken care of. It is definitely not an easy task to hold onto the peace the Gospel can bring when facing daily life, as Elder Holland in his talk says, “Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better.” But he also states, “Don’t give up, boy. Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it—“

It is common knowledge among members of the Church as stated in the 4^th Articles of Faith: We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.” Nephi speaks of these principles but adds in 2 Nephi 31:15 “He that endureth to the end, the same shall be saved.” The first several of these principles are taken care of in quick succession before becoming members of the church: repentance, baptism, and receiving the Holy Ghost. While faith is required to embark on that journey and the missionaries are involved, enduring to the end is where leaning on and gaining strength from the Church becomes vital---that is when that faith is tried and refined. The high that occurs during the initial investigation into the church and from the new baptism does fade. It has to be nurtured and nourished through the Church.

The Church brings me that strength and desire to hold on, keep walking, trying and persevering. The Church is what tells me over and over and over again that there is happiness and better things ahead. It also provides the help. I do not believe that it is single thing the Church does be it nursery, primary, young womens or mens, relief society, visiting teaching, elder's quorum, high priests, home teaching, the list goes on. It is a combination and a consistency that builds faith, protects faith, and rekindles faith.

In February of this year, I realized that I'd been to church 5 times in the last 10 months. It was due to a new baby, a sick toddler, and a husband who was Elder's Quorum President, meaning I was charged with staying home with sick children. I also realized at that same time that despair was becoming an integral part of my life. I knew that was because I was not partaking of the sacrament and filling my cup at Church and through corresponding activity.

Although there was nothing I could do---sickness does not listen to reason or desire. And sometimes the Church often feels like it is a battle, get every one ready, get them there on time, wrestle children through sacrament, deal with the meltdowns from missed naps and meals. But there is something more offered here, often even when we are not paying attention. I had to be removed from Church to realize all the benefits I gain from attendance and active participation. I do know that as Elder Bednar said at Women's Conference this year, “faithfully, diligently, and consistently doing simple things that are right before God will bring forth extraordinary results.” For me, those extraordinary results are the peace and comfort of knowing as Elder Holland tells us: “I testify that God lives, that He is our Eternal Father, that He loves each of us with a love divine. I testify that Jesus Christ is His Only Begotten Son in the flesh and, having triumphed in this world, is an heir of eternity, a joint-heir with God, and now stands on the right hand of His Father. I testify that this is Their true Church and that They sustain us in our hour of need—and always will, even if we cannot recognize that intervention. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”

Although I've already shared Elder Holland's testimony, I'd like to add my voice to his. Christ lives. He and a loving Heavenly Father care for us and take care of us. We are not alone, the Church is here to help, to support us, to build us up, and to nurture us. We gain so much from the Church that will not come otherwise. We need not fear. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

P.S. If you made it this far, you should be rewarded, we went to the zoo today!!! And I have pictures. I promise cute pictures of chubby legs in the sunshine soon. :) Really!!! I mean it this time.

The Kind of Week Where......

2011-05-19T23:01:00.000-06:00

It has been one of those weeks.

The kind where the handyman comes, tears apart your bathroom, leaves you without your bathroom all day, does bad work, damages parts of the bathroom, leaves a mess, and treats you so poorly that you hide behind the door in your bedroom and call your husband home from work because you are afraid to be in the house alone with the handyman.

The kind were you are experiencing abdominal pain on a frequent basis (both nights of your vacation), you know the usual where you call your husband home from work, writhe on the floor and cry. Don't worry that was only twice and not in Vegas, the other times were less dramatic, but still stopped me in my tracks.

The kind where the bishopric show up on your doorstep Tuesday night because the high councilman can't come on Sunday and they want you to do your "welcome" talk to the ward---you are in your pajamas with no bra and Evan isn't home. The topic: what has the church brought to your life? Two days later, no thoughts. Blank, blank slate. Panic is setting in.

The kind where one of your three closest friends in Salt Lake is moving to Oklahoma in about 10 days. We found out Monday.

So there are posts to write, Vegas to gush about, pictures to be posted, new blog layout to be experimented with, thoughts that need to be explored. But it just might not happen this week.

Frances Comes to Town

2011-05-17T20:00:00.001-06:00

So we are back from Las Vegas; however, I'm just too worn out to find the camera, upload the pictures, edit them, compose the post and such. So I'm going to post about another fabulous happening. Over Mother's Day weekend, our dear friend Frances came from DC. It had been about a year since the last time Kyle saw her and she had never met Aiden. Plus, Frances brought her fiance (wootwoot!!) Andrew to Salt Lake too.

Evan was working, so I got all of Frances' and Andrew's attention---although let's be honest, the boys were really why they came!

It was such a beautiful day, and so we waited for the guests of honor to arrive outside. Kyle actually went out to greet her and gave her a hug. I was so surprised because I didn't think he'd be comfortable enough, but I do think he remembers how she provided him graham crackers last time.

Meeting Aiden: again surprised he didn't just cry and reach for me the whole time, he is at that stage.

Kyle took this one:

Andrew is so fabulous and so perfect for her. I wish that we were all living closer so we could get to know him well---I just know that Evan would have a man crush on Andrew. He even built a tower with Kyle, what a good guy.

And yes, I did bribe Kyle with a marshmallow if he would take a picture with Frances. I've never done that before, but it was so worth it. Although both my kids look ready for a nap in this picture. :)

We miss you Francy Pants, please come to visit soon because I know that your reception in September won't afford us enough time to catch up.

Our Hike

2011-05-12T10:30:00.000-06:00

Angry Beatings

2011-05-09T15:51:00.001-06:00

I'm here in the kitchen, singing along to the iPod, praying that Aiden continues to sleep while I finish unpacking these last few kitchen boxes. Over the noise, because I listen to my music LOUD. I hear a steady beating sound. I go out in the living room to figure out what Kyle is doing.

He is beating his Ernie bumper car (you push a button and Ernie's wheels spin 360 degrees and he bumps into things and changes directions) with one of his plastic dinosaurs. He looks up at me and says, "I angry my toy now. He go that way (points), not that way (points)."

Apparently when Kyle turns on Ernie he has a specified direction in mind and Ernie doesn't always go that way. I showed him another car that would go in the direction he points it.

Is anyone else judging my mothering skills and what I am teaching him or is it just me? :)

Mother's Day---Las Vegas Addition

2011-05-08T20:18:00.000-06:00

Today was the best day that I have had in sooooo long. It was the most wonderful mother's day. For me it was the first where it wasn't about not doing anything---no diapers, no dishes, no cleaning, no picking up, no wiping noses or bums, no pottying, no cooking, no nothing. I didn't mind that I had to do all those things today---even though last night I was wishing it was Mother's Day so I could be done already. But today really ended up being like most other Sundays, but I felt such peace today.

Evan made me puffed french toast, which he liked, and he does not like french toast. He used my favorite cooking blog---our best bites. He raved about the blog and how easy it was to follow---and he does not cook. So we all ate my french toast in bed, daddy bite, mommy bite, Kyle bite. Aiden watched. It was fabulous. Then I opened my gift. It was a mixed CD with an awesomely accurate custom cover and booklet. It was Las Vegas themed.

That is because Evan is taking me to Las Vegas this coming weekend and that CD is our mixed CD for the road trip. I've never been and I've never been so excited. (Well, I've been on the way through to LA, but In & Out does not count as Vegas) He got all the babysitting ready (with his wonderful family of course) and his work figured out and has left the rest of the planning for us so that he could make sure I was happy with it. It is perfect. We got a cheap hotel right off the Strip, the Hilton, which the shuttle runs by.

I don't know what else we should do? I am trying to keep it cheap. We will drive down Friday, go to the Temple, The Pawn Stars pawn shop, and see everything else that isn't on the Strip we want to see. Saturday is the Strip day and will either include the Shark Reef or the dolphins at Mandalay Bay (any opinion on which is better), a buffet, and Sunday we'll drive back.

I am so excited. Like SOOO excited. Evan and I have never been anywhere by ourselves since we have been married. It was so sweet and thoughtful of him and I am so ready to get away. Any advice would be appreciated. Pictures of our weekend and thoughts on today are to come.

Existential Obsession

2011-05-06T23:52:00.002-06:00

I'm obsessed. I've been doing lots of thinking in the past few months and especially these few weeks---and all my thoughts won't leave me until I write them out. Until I flush them out and work through them. Until I give them voice before an audience. These thoughts and words keep me up at night. I listen to them reverberate around my head coupled with Evan's deep vibrating snoring.

This need for writing, for expression, for a deep purge---all part of my existential crisis. I spend most every waking moment, those where I am supposed to be sleeping, and those where I am sleeping, examining and reevaluating my life. I have never felt so many possibilities available to me in my life. I am not even sure I felt this kind of freedom when I was graduating from college and could go anywhere or do anything. I am just not sure what direction I want to go in, what I want to pursue, and what I want to become.

What do I have to offer? What do I feel will fill my cup? What do I feel I have to offer others' cups? We speak of talents in the LDS church. We are all gifted them, are sent to develop them, and will be held accountable for them. Evan gave me a blessing recently soothing me with reassurance that I need patience and directing me to develop my talents. Beautiful, but how do we go about that? I am lost. How do I develop them when I am not even sure what they are? This is not a new quandary for me; however, I've never thought it was important.

I've always believed I have talents, as I believe everyone does. But if they are not noticeable like piano playing, photography, crafts, baking, etc, how do you know? How do you find out? How do I find what's hidden? I know for certain that patience isn't one of them.

Did you Notice?

2011-05-04T19:10:00.002-06:00

So I decided yesterday that I need to learn to like yard work and gardening. We certainly have a lot to do in our new place. Our landlord bought it as a mess and didn't touch it besides trimming some trees. Evan and I have always had a deal that I would do inside things--cleaning, laundry, budgeting. He would be responsible for the outside--cars, yard, fixing things. However, he just doesn't have time. I've taken over care of the car and now I think I need to spear head our yard care. But I hate yard work. So I am going to learn to like it and be good at it.

This was the before of our front bricked flower bed.

This is the after shots. I realized that they aren't taken from the same angle and I know the shadows are seriously bad. But besides the two rose/prickly bushes things it is cleared out. I got more ambitious after I took the pictures and even pulled out one of the bushes. The second one caused me to break a hoe (a solid metal hoe attached to a strong wooden handle) in the process and is still there. By the way, deer ate my two tulips--so irritated.

I filled our street black garbage can 9/10 of the way full with just stuff from this small area. It is like only a foot wide. I found: shards of pottery, shards of glass, plastic pot that plants come in, light bulbs (plural), skittle wrappers, chunks of bricks, huge rocks, little rocks, a plethora of plastic flowers both greenery bundles and flowers, plastic rings, trash, and a lot of pine needles. But it only took me like 3 hours to clean it out.

This boy spent the two hours he was outside either on the blanket or in the bouncing toy. He was very happy. I thought most babies don't like the grass, but he crawled all around. I remember at one point I said to Kyle, "Will you go take the pine cone out of Aiden's mouth?" He did.

Kyle dug in the dirt with me, and yes, that is Pig from Super Why on his underwear.

I bought these at Target on clearance on Saturday. They came in so handy because we have no gardening tools.

We also went for a walk. The other day on our first walk in the neighborhood (which causes me much anxiety because there are no sidewalks) and we found the street that is totally torn up down one side and has a digger, truck, and giant excavator. We stood there and watched for 15 minutes or so and the construction guys even waved at us and Kyle waved back, no prompting. We came back today and sat in the grass; however, the machines weren't working, just guys digging. Kyle took this picture though. He was so excited.

Then we watched some softball at the high school---but Kyle got upset when he realized he couldn't have a turn. We had to leave the melt down was so out of this world.

To end our day, this is a video of Aiden laughing during dinner. Yes, that is Kyle crying incessantly in the background. As I took this video of Aiden, I couldn't help but be struck by how much he reminds me of Kyle as a baby--although he is wearing the same size as Kyle.

God Bless America

2011-05-03T20:53:00.000-06:00

Do you know I hate that phrase, "God Bless America."

I've heard it a lot since Osama bin Laden died.

When I hear it. I hear arrogance. I do want God to bless America, but I would also like him to bless Pakistan, Rwanda, Brazil, and any other place that exists in our world. I know that he does too because you see temples dotting the earth, Saints gathered in all areas of the world. It seems like we think we have a monopoly on his blessings. While I might be wrong, that is what I hear in the phrase. Do you realize that the LDS church also includes "God Save the King," in the hymnal?

I've heard it mentioned that we are so lucky to have our children play soccer and other such blessings, while I am not clear on every nations politics I do know that England, Italy, Spain, Japan, France, Germany, Switzerland, and especially Canada---Canada has more freedoms that the USA---they also enjoy a plethora of freedoms similar to ours.I hope that more countries are added to that list. I do not want to be the only country that experiences picnics, travel, education, protection, economic opportunities, and a free discussion of ideas.

I have a hard time reveling in someone's death. Bin Laden was 54 years old. Somewhere there is a mother grieving for a son that she lost (I don't know if his mother is alive), a son that she raised, held, feed, comforted, and grew in her womb. How do I have cause to dance in the streets when I think of that?

While he is the head of an organization that professes terror, I am not delusional enough to think that there aren't others to take over, others who feel the same. There is a never ending supply of others. There will be backlash. They were raised in terror---raised with horror----raised with bombings frequent---loved ones of theirs died as innocent citizens. Why are we surprised that they have chosen this route and theology?

The only part of this whole situation that brings me joy is that President Obama is gaining some recognition for his good work as the president. I'm glad that it will help clench his re-election. He deserves our respect. The men and women who leave their families, live in peril, who experience discomfort from long marches, heavy packs, horrible heat and humidity, crappy food, and sand, may those people be looked over, may those people know how we appreciate them. They have sacrificed. They deserve to be recognized for their work. I do.

The Weekend in Pictures

2011-05-02T10:59:00.000-06:00

waiting for Daddy to come home to get us---love that Aiden is eating a stick

checking out the beautiful sunset from our kitchen

trying on Daddy's glasses

Sixth Sense

2011-04-30T19:28:00.001-06:00

I'm in a ton of pain tonight. So I was in the other room while Evan fed the kids.

(rotating, spinning noise)
Me: Kyle, stop playing with your food.
(a few minutes later)
Evan: Holly, does Aiden frequently cry when you feed him (he was crying off and on)
Me: Sometimes, but right now he's happy--his feet are kicking.
(a few minutes later---I'm still in another room)
Me: Evan, are you impressed that I know what is going on when I'm not there?
Evan: Yes, you are more present than I am and you are not even in here.
Me: I have to have some skills.
(a few minutes later)
Evan: (exasperated) Kyle!
Me: Did he crumble up his chicken nuggets with his hands?
Evan: How are you doing that?
Me: Kyle, go to timeout, we do not play with our food.
(Kyle goes)
Evan: Dang it!
Me: Did you leave Aiden's yogurt on his tray?
Evan: He is so handsy.
Me: Yup!

I have to say, I am so good!

In other news, I had the most hilarious night last night at Evan's parents. It involved the kitchen being seconds away from going up in flames, Aiden pulling my dinner off the table and his yogurt into his lap, an indoor water fight, and some erotic posing for family pictures. Yeah, I'll have to tell you about it sometimes. It was even better than the Easter egg jello giggler competition, first discouraged and then encouraged by mom at Easter dinner last Sunday. So funny.

Also, Aiden pulled himself to standing once yesterday and twice today. All three times, he ended up falling over and hitting his head. I guess there is not much that I can do about that, right?

Are you SURE it's not Friday??

2011-04-28T17:50:00.002-06:00

As I sit here at 5:30, I've just put the kids to bed and am headed there within the hour. Since Saturday night I have gotten an average of 4.5 hours of sleep (I even did the math to make Evan happy). I have never had such a stressful and emotional week. I have so many thoughts rolling around and nothing to really say.

Morgan, our little visitor since Sunday, has gone back with her parents. Kyle keeps asking every few minutes, "Where Morgan?" She was such a sweet thing, but she brought with her the Three Plagues of Mo. Plague 1: hacking cough that makes you think it will end in vomiting. Plague 2: 103.7 fevers. Plague 3: The River of Snot. I have not slept through the night without sick babies needing medicine and comfort since Monday. This morning, Kyle got up at 4 am with a 103.4 fever and never went back to bed. Naps have been disrupted from sickness, coughing, discomfort, and to get them to sleep at night also takes an act of God. It's hard to get comfortable when you can't breathe.

This has all been compounded by Bri's passing. There was a memorial in her honor last night. It was emotional and sad, but also there were moments of joy at seeing old friends and remembering Briana. However, I left feeling more depressed than I started, for different reasons, and saddened that we weren't doing right by her----the rock and the hard place----at a loss as to how to repair, correct, and heal.

As I sat watching the video montage, I watched Evan mingle, socialize, catch up. At these sorts of social gatherings, I never have had my husband's smooth easy confidence and ability. After awhile, I've learned I don't like to tag along and stand there clumsily. I have never felt like I fit with my husband's Salt Lake City peer group (or "the scene"). I feel inept. I am younger, I am married, I am a mother. I am on the other side of the bridge from so many of Evan's friends. My interests are different--I am not a professional, I do not follow the news, I am different. So I would frequently find myself with Bri in the kitchen, talking like we were the only two there. She would speak to me of motherhood, pregnancy, and knew how to be in my world even though she had not been married or a mother herself. It was easy and she seemed to be the only one who could cross that bridge to me. This time, I was alone.

Never fear though, next week or even this weekend, if I recover. I will be back with the millions of Easter photos and projects we completed. I'd like to leave you with my little buddy. Oh boy is this boy attached to me!

Love Lost

2011-04-24T21:37:00.001-06:00

Saturday night, I received a phone call from a friend, an old roommate of Evan's whom I love, but rarely speak to. He sounded strange and then started to say things like, "I wanted to make sure you knew...something has happened." Honestly, it is all a blur. But he finally said it, "Briana died tonight." I didn't believe him and rushed him off the phone to call her soul sister, midwife partner, and adopted mother/best friend, Cathy. While I was dialing, I reached over pushed Evan hard on the shoulder and shouted, "WAKE UP!" It was right before 9 pm, and he had been asleep since 7:30, because Friday night, he had stayed up all night to finish his labs for physic.

Evan sat bolt upright, seemed crazed, and said, "What? What?" I snapped, "Bri is dead! And I'm on the phone." I see it now as not my most calm, peaceful, and supportive spousal moment. But I do know that without raising my voice and speaking sharply, Evan does not wake up.

He came round the bed and sat with me as Cathy said slowly. "Hi Holly." I said that I had heard something--"It's true." We spoke of details and whom needed to be notified. I offered help if needed. I was sent to inform my best mother friend--whose location actually informed the decision to rent our house---who is also 35 weeks pregnant and expecting Briana to deliver her baby at the end of the month.

I informed Evan of my mission, rushed out the house and left Evan to cry alone and make phone calls of his own to make sure people were informed. While waiting for my friend, I also made phone call after phone call. Everyone that I spoke to, and myself included, all reacted with surprise and incredulity.

Briana was my midwife with Aiden. The one who healed me in so many ways. The one who---where do I begin and what do I say---I've posted about Bri and my feelings for her here and here. She was also an old BYU friend of Evan's and my confidant for years. She nurtured and looked after me when I was facing problems in my pregnancy with Kyle and after with the trauma of that birth. When Kyle was first born and Evan and I wanted to go out and do something, we went to Bri and Frances'. We were always welcome. I loved to be around her. I always felt so special to call her my friend and be able to converse with her.

I feel lost, as a friend stated in an email to me today. "I am heartbroken. I am overwhelmed by how sad this is." Cathy, Bri's soul sister, posted about Bri on her blog today. She uses this quote:

". . . one ship. The starboard engine has gone. I, the port engine, must chug along somehow till we make harbour."

from "A Grief Observed" C.S. Lewis

I am unsure how to proceed with my life now. I am unsure how I can ever be pregnant or birth again without Bri. I have nothing elegant to say, nothing profound to include. I feel like my breath is caught in my throat. It has been a crazy day of feeling normal, laughing, making jokes, doing Easter egg hunts, and then being overwhelmed, crying, and wanting to sink into the ground. I am sure there are people who knew her better---but I love Bri, love her hard and strong.

How can such an angelic, beloved Spirit be gone? It's unfathomable. I have never met anyone so Christlike, so tender, understanding, unselfish, patient, and charitable in my life--and I do not say these things lightly. Words fail to explain how dearly she will be missed or how much the world truly lost.

I do know that she is being embraced on the other side. That she is at peace. That she will be doing her midwifery work on the other side by sending babies. I do know that this Easter season, I have gained a greater understanding of the atonement and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ is our Savior. Our Redeemer. In life and in death, in pain and joy. Thru everything. The plan of salvation is real, and although we hurt and miss her---we can find comfort through the Spirit although the time frame still eludes me.

I did not know what I would say when I started this. What I could say that hadn't been said better or more eloquently than what I'd said. After I finished this, I found Frances' post on her blog. It sinks deep into my soul and all I can say is that again, much like today Frances made me laugh and then cry. Especially at the placenta, I'd been there when Bri was doing that another time---it is gross.Frances is a wonderful writer by the way, Evan just stated he hopes she outlives him so she can write something profound and well written then as well.

Click to see the KSL new report on her accident.

Dirt

2011-04-24T20:22:00.000-06:00

Conversation today:
Evan: Holly, I just caught Kyle eating dirt.
Me to Kyle: Are you missing some major nutrients in your diet?
Kyle: No, no nutiets. I just eat dirt.

Avery to Kyle: What did you do?
Kyle: I eat dirt.

Bigger and Better

2011-04-23T23:03:00.000-06:00

A lot of my friends are having big changes in their life. This week alone I have found out: 2 friends got engaged, 2 friends gave birth to little boys, 2 friends are closing on their first house, and several friends have graduated, are moving and getting professional jobs. I have a friend who is giving birth the end of next month and several friends who are pregnant. Evan is working so hard because he is graduating in August and he and one of my best friends are starting school at the U in the fall (Alyse got into graduate school!! Wahoo!! :)

I am truly, truly happy for them. A lot of my friends have worked so hard for these accomplishments or waited so long for a spouse or baby. I am so over joyed for them because I know how fulfilling it is to have a husband and babies.

However, it makes me feel sad when I hear these things--I thought that I was jealous and felt guilty and upset by that. But I realized what it was, I'm bored.

Bored, bored, bored.

I crave what those people are going thru--major changes and newness. I feel like every minute of my day is creeping by because I feel no direction. I am not getting things accomplished because I feel no motivation. I don't know where I am going in life and I feel like there is an emptiness in my life and I don't know what I should be doing. And I feel like Kyle is reflecting our shared apathy with bad behavior. As Dr. Seuss says we are in the waiting place (see Oh the Places You'll Go).

I am just floating and surviving---and not succeeding in any area of my life. Any suggestions? Any idea on what I should pursue? I've thought about this a lot and am at a loss.

Planned Parenthood

2011-04-19T21:44:00.000-06:00

I have to say something that has been bothering me since last week. I feel like I am doing the world an injustice not speaking up. It all started when I saw the posts on Facebook from other LDS women about Planned Parenthood. They were pleas to petition politicians about refusing federal funding to Planned Parenthood. When I first saw it, I wanted to cry. I was so upset. Do you really know what you are asking? Do you know what those consequences would be?

Planned Parenthood has been around since 1942 and received federal funding since 1970, which was put into place by President Nixon. The types of services that are provided: birth control, emergency contraception, breast, cervical and testicular cancer screening, pregnancy testing, counseling, treatment for STDs, sexual education, menopause treatments, vasectomies, tubal ligations, and abortions.

I know that the last word is what causes members pause and cause for concern. So let us discuss and address this. In terms of their funding, there are laws that ban Planned Parenthood from using governement funds to pay for abortions. Abortions account for 3% of the services provided; however with over 820 clinics that does mean 332,278 abortions annually, which does make them the largest provider of abortions in the United States. I do not know if that is because people know they can go there to get one. I do not know.

The Church stated their position in March 1991: "We reaffirm that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has consistently opposed elective abortion.[...] The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as an institution has not favored or opposed specific legislative proposals or public demonstrations concerning abortion." They further state that to come out about laws is impractical--there are too many places the Church is at. Also, they state there are extenuating circumstances to abortion, notice the "elective" qualifier to abortion in the statement. Considering a very shaky number of 191,670 victims of rape or sexual assault reported in 2005 (under reporting, definitions called into question, etc.) that means we have no idea how many abortions are not actually elective for not only sexual assault reasons but also medical.

Let's talk about what else Planned Parenthood does in numbers. According to a 2008-2009 annual report and fact sheet, contraception constituted 35% of total services, STI/STD testing and treatment constituted 34%, cancer testing and screening constituted 17%; other women's health procedures, including pregnancy, prenatal, midlife, and infertility, were 11%. Those percentages include prenatal services to 7,021 clients and 977 adoption referrals to other agencies. The organization also said its doctors and nurses annually conduct 1 million screenings for cervical cancer, 830,000 breast exams and some 4 million tests and treatments for sexually transmitted diseases.

Do you know that back in 1961 Planned Parenthood's actions sparked a Supreme Court case? Up until then, it was illegal in Connecticut to distribute contraceptives, even to married couples.While the church teaches that we should not put off having children and they are a blessing, the handbooks of the church state that it is between the couple and Heavenly Father. Good for Planned Parenthood for making that a reality.

We as a church know that sex before marriage is a sin. It is a serious sin. However, we also recognize that there are those who don't believe the same as the LDS church (which is a shock sometimes, wink wink). If we didn't, we would not have LDS Family Services which promotes adoption so that those who are not born under the covenant can gain the access to this saving ordinance and be sealed to an LDS family.

Are we willing to sacrifice free services to those who truly need---including cancer screening? Those important services are funded by the government (therefore our tax dollars). Are we willing to delude ourselves into thinking that if we take their funding they would go away, or at least not preform abortions---I doubt that would happen. Instead, because abortions are not government funded, we would lose those things that are like cancer screenings.

If Planned Parenthood is a safe space for a scared teenage girl after a rape, I believe in that. If Planned Parenthood educates those who stand in need, either about STDs or birth control, I believe in that. If Planned Parenthood lets someone catch breast cancer early because they lack health insurance, I believe in that. If someone who is poor receives free prenatal care, I believe in that. I believe in a place for women to go. Not all women are raised in supportive, loving homes. Not everyone has the gospel in their lives. Let them have a safe place.

**All data pulled from Wikipedia and a New York Times articles about Planned Parenthood funding. Statement from LDS Church copied from LDS.org.

Little Visitor

2011-04-19T20:08:00.002-06:00

So a good friend, entrusted us last Friday with her most prized possession--her daughter, Morgan AKA Mo. She is the sweetest cutest little blonde blue eyed girl, and boy does she know how to love on someone. This was in the afternoon when they were watching "The Princess and the Frog." That is the face Kyle makes whenever he sees the opening Disney credits castle scene. I don't know why. We had a great time with Mo and I have more pictures of the kids doing crafts, but I'll post about our Easter crafts later.

See what I mean about loving---she gave Aiden hugs, kisses, loves and about every three minutes she would say, "baby." Aiden was her little present for the day. I think it was the highlight of the time at our house. Aiden wasn't awake when she came, and so when Aiden woke up she came into to his room and saw him in his crib and lit up like a Christmas tree.

These are the three babes lined up in their beds for nap, if you look in the bottom right side you can barely see Aiden through the bars.

Train Table

2011-04-18T20:04:00.000-06:00

Aiden's Christmas from his Mammi and Papa was a train table. However, we knew that we didn't have space for that in our apartment. So I did a lot of research and knew the one that I wanted, I just needed a larger place to put it in. So I knew when we moved that it was time to order the table. We got the table the first weekend in April.


Kyle lined these all up

We knew that this table would mostly be used by Kyle right now, but we still called it Aiden's. Evan and I actually subscribe to the thought that the toys are everyone. However, when they are first given they do belong to their owner. This has been a slow concept for Kyle to grasp (every thing has always been his), but he does now get that if he takes something from Aiden he has to give him something else. He has tried this concept on his friends that are two and three---it doesn't work when they are that old :)

I remembered these pictures yesterday when I was looking through the ads for ToysRUs and realized that if I had waited, I would have saved almost $100. But how was I to know it would go on sale in the store--most train tables are not available in store year round, just Christmas. Seriously!!!

We do love it. Evan asks every day, "mommy, play trains with me?" when we go to play though what I do is never what he wants and he can't really tell me what he wants. :)

ER Bliss

2011-04-17T20:43:00.001-06:00

Funny that our second child is the cause of our first ER visit as parents. He started vomiting Saturday, at first we weren't really sure because he does spit up. But during our opening prayer at Avery's going away bash--all the family was there---he started heaving and heaving and heaving. Luckily we were outside and I just held him over the bushes. Most people didn't know.

Unfortunately within two hours he had vomited 9 times. It was mostly dry heaving and some brown liquid. I talked to the pediatrician on call---he suggested because he was an infant, that it was intensely persistent, and dehydration is serious to take him to the ER (it was Saturday night after all). We took him to Primary's. By the time we got there, we were at 12 vomits in 2 1/2 hours. He vomited on the way to the hospital, but during the hour we got checked in and waited to see a doctor---he had stopped. His belly felt soft and perfect, so the doctor had us give him 2 oz of Pedialyte and wait at the hospital to see if he kept it down. He did. We came home. Thank goodness.

This is Aiden finally able to sleep at the hospital after the vomiting stopped. He slept through the night after we got home and has done great today although we are taking it easy with small amounts of liquid and applesauce. The worst is when I could only give him a few ounces every hour and he would scream and cry when the bottle was empty.

Let's keep praying that this is just a quick bug and no one else is affected.

9 Months

2011-04-17T20:31:00.001-06:00

Aiden went to the doctor for his 9 month check-up last Tuesday: 19 lbs 12 oz

Although he only gained a few ounces in a few weeks, he is still growing. We are now wearing 18 months clothes in some instance (everything seems to fit so different--and he is still short legged). The funny part about Aiden is that his feet are in size 1. Kyle also wears 18 months clothes, although we buy larger so they'll fit him longer. One large wardrobe for both kids now!!

He is such a growing boy. Monday of last week, for instance, he ate:
05:00      8 oz bottle (cries when it is gone)
08:00      3/4 c applesauce

10:30    1/2 banana
              4 oz peas
              4 oz bottle
(4 hour nap today---or at least the boys were in their room that long)
03:15    6 oz soy yogurt
1 c puffs
1 pkg freeze dried pears
05:45     3/4 c cauliflower and Indian spiced meat dinner
06:45      7 oz bottle

He is almost exactly like Kyle who used to eat 40-50 jars of baby food in a week. This time, I am smarter in that I just blend up dinner and such. That kid can eat. It seems he went from really only consuming formula thru the day about a month ago to becoming my great eater who is always up for food, any kind. Food makes him happier than anything else besides me!

Today, I finally used the benefits of this blog. I looked back at my posts from Kyle's 9 month period. He had been crawling for awhile and was pulling himself up and walking around objects. He also would walk with his push toy. But most importantly Kyle weighed 14 lbs 11 oz and he was wearing 6 months clothes. I thought for sure Aiden would weigh much more than Kyle did at that point--although I guess 5 lbs is 1/3 of Kyle's weight at that time :)

Yard Surprises

2011-04-17T14:18:00.000-06:00

Yup, that is what our front yard looks like. Honestly, that is what most of the back yard looks like too. The previous owner did a wonderful job keeping it up :)

However, a week after we moved in bulbs started to come up. Several more weeks brings us to this week and---that is what we have now. Pretty flowers in all the ugliness. Although the bulbs in the back haven't bloomed yet, this small patch out front is really. Kyle even shows me the flowers every time we leave the house :)

Bath Time

2011-04-11T13:57:00.001-06:00

Last week there were a lot of big changes for Aiden (he got two more teeth---with two more days away), but we also retired the bath seat. So now, he sits in the bath tub. It makes me really nervous because Kyle has become fascinated with rolling him over, pulling him down, and rocking him and I fear he'll still do that in the tub. But the seat was becoming too small, Aiden would reach for something and almost fall out, and Kyle was trying to pull him out. So far, Aiden being graduated to the tub has been working.

I love how I was never let in on the secret that kitchen utensils and water bottles are the best toys, and not just in the bath tub. This happened because Kyle stole them from a box. But I am totally on board now.

Seriously, look at how rolly-polly Aiden is compared to Kyle.

It Can Be Done

2011-04-08T19:25:00.001-06:00

So my husband, Evan, the good old Oklahoma boy was raised on steak, potatoes, and gravy. I like good potatoes (mashed that is), but I have never been a fan of the other two. I had about five steaks or less in my life before Evan and I became an item. However, since then, I have eaten steak at least 2 times a month if not more at Sunday dinners with his family. I still don't eat gravy though.

This post is mostly for Teresa, because her husband, Chris, grew up with Evan and they both love their steak. But Teresa and I do not do our husbands too proud, in that we don't really cook a lot of meat and definitely not steak. Once in our married life, maybe over a year ago, I cooked some steaks. They were okay, but dry and I just wasn't that in to them. I have also stooped to make him biscuits and gravy (my stomach hates even the thought) twice in our married life. But recently, I have found myself happy to eat steak at his parents, and I'll even eat it medium rare. Mom doesn't even bother making me chicken any more.

Well, petite sirloin steaks were on sale this week. Some times I buy them and freeze them and use one to make a good stir fry. However, I decided to make steak for dinner. Asparagus was also on sale.....oh my goodness, I LOVE asparagus. So Teresa, here is how to make a fabulous steak with no training.

I tweaked the marinade from www.SkinnyTaste.com for a recipe from a rack of lamb Dijon glaze recipe. So take your steaks, I did four (we ate all of them--even Kyle ate 1/4 a steak). Place in gallon ziplock bag (at least a few hours before the meal): add 3 tbsp balsamic vinegar, 2 good spoonfuls dijon mustard, a good shake dry mustard powder, 4 cloves smashed garlic (I used a bottle), 1/2 spoonful sugar, good shakes of rosemary---she goes on and on about fresh, but I have a bottle---a good shake of basil, 1 tbsp olive oil. Rub (Kyle loved this) into the meat. All of this was eyeballed. Let it sit in the fridge and remove to come to room temp 1 hour before meal. Put foil over one baking sheet.

Kyle and I snapped the asparagus together. Put foil over second baking sheet. Place asparagus on the sheet, drizzle some olive oil, sprinkle some curry powder and then roll the spears around until they are evenly covered.

Place the steak on the baking sheet, put it on the high rack in your oven and the asparagus in the middle rack. Broil for 3.5 minutes. Flip steaks. Let it continue for another 3.5 minutes. Change the places of the baking sheet (asparagus on top, steak on bottom). Cook for 5 minutes at 375 degrees. Pull out the steaks and broil asparagus for another minute or two. Let the steak rest for 5 minutes. I'd never done that---I thought it was way too red, but after resting it was just right.

Serve and enjoy. Evan even said my steak was better than his mother's---the highest compliment in our house when it comes to food.

I cooked dinner, we ate leisurely and even discussed the government shut-down (I heard about that on Facebook), and I did the dishes (tin foil in the baking pans) all within 45 minutes. Amazing. Try it Teresa, he'll love you for it and rave, who doesn't need that :)

Dentistry

2011-04-04T12:22:00.009-06:00

We went to the dentist on Thursday. It was so freakin' fabulous and fantastic. Kyle loved it and he was so good. I am bursting with parental pride and they told me such great things about him---although he has an over bite from sucking his thumb. That is how it goes, he could have one from a pacifier. He also is still young yet.

The "tickler," she was so kind and told him about how all the tools worked and let him play with all of them. This was the cleaning tool.

Aiden was fascinated by the whole process. All the tools made noise, so......

Tickling the chair arm.

The squirter, she really let him squirt water all around!

Kyle's squirting.

The sucker. He used it more like a wand.

Cute patient little brother.

He was getting reclined (when we repositioned him to where he should have been his little feet didn't even come down to the joint in the chair) and the hygienist was going on and on about how wonderful and cooperative Kyle was. She said most two year olds don't do that well---the dentist even went so far as to say that he was well adjusted. They were so kind and wanted to make sure that he didn't get traumatized. They weren't going to do anything that he didn't want. Kyle, like he is with all medical stuff, has no problem letting people examine, poke, and prod him. He did every thing that they wanted, no problem. So compliant. :) Not like he is at home. He wasn't super chatty, he was actually kind of shy, but very good.

The actual cleaning. The hygenist was so impressed that he did it all so well and willingly. He got down from the chair as soon as she was done. But he still talks about the TV in the sky---there were TV's playing movies above the chairs. I told you it was awesome.

The doctor came to count his teeth and examine. The doctor asked me if I wanted it done in my lap or in the chair. I asked Kyle and he wanted to be in the chair. So back in he went and he let them do everything they wanted.

He got the cap for being a new patient, and he got the mask for being cavity free. They took his picture in front of a bulletin board in his get up to add to their collection. Overall, he was amazing and he loved it.

Just a cute picture to end this long post.

Conference Sunday

2011-04-03T20:21:00.000-06:00

The first day of General Conference (where we watch apostles and the prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saints address the members world wide) didn't go as I had hoped. I was interrupted during the morning session by Zoie needing to use my house to film something for her multimedia class. Then I was able to do lunch with the boys and lay them down for a nap and listen to the last thirty minutes uninterrupted.

During the second session (two to four), my landlord came over to install blinds and we only have one radio, so I just couldn't hear and there were way to many distractions. The kids don't exactly stay quiet.

However, Sunday went much better. Kyle was a little distracting, but Aiden slept through the whole second session. In between sessions, Kyle and Zoie even built a snowman. He loved that and really wanted to play more in the snow, but he won't touch it just walk in it. If it touches his skin he has a meltdown in a way I've never seen equaled.

The kids with the grandparents munching on cereal

Aiden loves to eat


The snowman built by Zoie and Kyle

He loved using the dog ball flinger to scoop snow

Trees

2011-04-03T19:55:00.001-06:00

Friday morning, I realized that one of the trees in the backyard had blossomed overnight. It is gorgeous.

Then I woke up this morning to find the tree looking like this (sorry, this time the outside deck/walkway is showing because I wasn't going to go outside to take the picture).

I don't really mind though, it is how it is every year in Utah and I think it makes us appreciate the real arrival of spring/summer.

St. Patrick's Day

2011-03-31T19:37:00.001-06:00

I feel a little guilty after the last post. As my friend Teresa pointed out, I have been stressed recently. And my friend, Ami even called and offered her help.

So I need to let people know that I will be okay. For some reason, this transition, organization, and new routine of living here is hard. Every decision like where I should put the linens causes me to panic. Don't ask about how the kitchen makes me feel. When Evan and I (and even before him) moved apartments, a lot of the details were the same and easy to almost directly move from one apartment to the next. However, this house just doesn't have those things because it is a 1954 house. No pantry. No hall closet. No linen closet. Built-ins in the hall, but smaller closets in the bedrooms....just different aspects to try to figure out. It is overwhelming me, I won't even start on the state of the lawn :)

But this is not the point of this post. This is:

We celebrated st. Patrick's Day with Evan at work. Partly because he was on vacation and we wanted to do something fun. Partly because it was something different and I had nothing planned as my kitchen was packed and we were 2 days from a move. We had a great time and after reading the cute things that my friend's did, I vow to be better prepared next year! But Kyle got to wear a crown, so it was a win for everyone. Plus, the residents love my boys.

P.S. It turned out to be an even more special day for Kyle, as that evening he had his first experience with a McDonald's Play Place....although technically too young. We left after another unsupervised child kept pushing Kyle and he almost fell out of the structure. Nevertheless, a great time by all.

I Can Do Hard Things!!

2011-03-30T20:11:00.001-06:00

I MADE DINNER THAT ALL 4 OF US ATE!!!

I know most of you are thinking, "Come on, Holly! I do that every night," (except Jenny because I've seen her facebook status updates about dinner now that Adam works swing shifts),

Well, ever since Kyle's change in diet I've usually made something for him, something for Evan and I (some times) and Aiden's dinner. I'd link to previous posts explaining that situation--but I'm just too lazy. After three weeks of still not having my kitchen unpacked and living with the bare necessities and forcing my husband and self to live on lean pockets and Kyle on chicken nuggets, nothing new there, I finally routed around until I found the box with the can opener. On a side note (there will be lots with how I feel today): the RS should bring meals around moves, not babies. I can freeze things while pregnant and cook postpartum, but when I have no utensils and no idea where my head is at, that is harder.

I made chicken taco soup that over reduced down and so was more of a stew. I also cut up strawberries and toasted some of the wonderful bread from Great Harvest that the Relief Society presidency brought over to welcome us (they do that here :) Since I've decided that Kyle is no longer on his junk food diet--too difficult for me and our budget. He was offered this. He only ate strawberries and bread but hey. In the effort of moving Alyse found my immersion blender--God's gift to mothers. So I also made baby food out of my soup for Aiden, he ate it! My baby loves cumin. So one easy can opening soup and all four of us fed. Hallelujah!! I also immersion blended some strawberries for Aiden for tomorrow--we are on a roll folks.

In other news, Kyle broke my camera. The hard wood floors are killing me and my routine. Kyle who takes half of our photos (because he is better than Evan and around a lot more) has never dropped my camera. Well he did, on the hard wood. It was a true mistake and not the first electronic to be dropped and broken this week. Hard wood is not as forgiving as carpet. The lens is now at a permanent jaunt and won't go in or out and so the camera just won't work. At least it was 4 years old and not new.

So Evan has been charged with researching a new camera for the family, in the price range I paid before. Even though he won't use it, he likes that stuff and wants what he wants, whereas, I don't really care. If/When we get any loan money for the summer semester we'll be buying a new one.**

**If you want to judge us about that, you can see the beginning of my post here. Look I did link! I just can't believe that it is right to miss the milestones of my child's life (like how I have none of most of that) because we don't have a camera. Tomorrow we are going to take Kyle for the dentist for the first time--no photos now. We could miss Aiden actually crawling and not just scooting back---possibly walking too. And Teresa will never see the pictures of the house once it is unpacked without a new camera. Three whole years or more could be missed. So back off (sorry, it is how I am feeling today).

So I will be catching up on past things with photos we do have---like Christmas. I might also be able to write about what Kyle is doing now---like how he says, "Tomorrow," about everything we aren't doing right now. How Aiden is favoring his blankie over his elephant--the one thing that I have two of. Or how weird this house was remodeled--no need to center the light fixture in the dinning room I like to have my table either skewed or my dinner in shadows. Lots for everyone to look forward to.

Teeth Pictures

2011-03-29T12:37:00.002-06:00

We first noticed on the 1st that Aiden had some sharp pointy hurty teeth (he'll bite you hard if he gets hold of your finger) coming through. We were so surprised because Kyle didn't get teeth until a few weeks before he was 1! But I haven't been able to get pictures until now. He is just so cute! Now he also has some top ones that are just so close to breaking through. And of course, in my good boy fashion he has shown no signs of teething (and neither did Kyle). I really luck out on some things. :) No complaints here.

The Visitors

2011-03-28T11:45:00.002-06:00

Heidi and Addison came over on Friday afternoon to help me begin to tackle the kitchen. Moving a kitchen and unpacking a kitchen causes me some massive anxiety. We didn't get it all done, but we got a good start and all the top cabinets are lined. Unfortunately, to unpack you have to create a mess and I feel like that is what I am living in! However, the kids had fun. Aiden loves Addison and so does Kyle. Kyle read her a story of his own (also known as the IKEA Expedit instruction manual) on his bed. I am hoping Heidi can stop working soon so that we can play more.

Health Insurance

2011-03-26T14:33:00.001-06:00

I know that many people would/have told us that we chose this life, we chose to have children at this point in our lives with our income and such things. People tell us that we are on public assistance (medicaid, WIC) and therefore should be thrilled with that. We've heard all the judgments, harsh comments, remarks which make me feel incompetent, inconsiderate, and like a free loader. So if you feel this way about me and my family, maybe you shouldn't read this or any other blog post I write. Otherwise, feel free to continue.

Evan and I currently do not have health insurance. Our children have medicaid through the government, but Evan makes too much money for him and I to be covered. So unless, I am pregnant or 60 days postpartum, I am not covered. This will change in the fall because the U offers students/student families health insurance, but the community college does not. If we took Evan's work's insurance we would pay 1/4 of his monthly income to be covered by insurance that has high co-pays, high deductibles and from what we are told not very good coverage.

For the most part we have made this work. I am grateful the kids are covered with no co-pays because Kyle would be breaking our bank with them. He sees so many different doctors and follow-ups. Aiden is now following in Kyle's footsteps and so we know we are lucky. Evan has been able to suck up his problems and we know that in September we'll finally be able to see someone about his worsening migraines.

However, on Wednesday night, I got sick. For the 4th time in 7 months, I was as sick as a dog with vomiting, diarrhea, and extreme pain. Luckily, twice before I was covered and went to the ER. I know nothing about the health insurance debate, besides the negative things that my in-laws say. But the way that health insurance currently is in this country does not work.

My husband and I should not have to pray and ask for help deciding whether or not I deserve medical treatment. I should not feel guilty because I cost my family $400 to see a doctor for 15 minutes, have a blood draw and prescriptions. We should not have to debate when or if we'll get a cat scan the doctor wants, or even that the doctor changed his treatment plan once he knew we were uninsured. Now that the vomiting is keeping me from keeping down my antibiotics and antacids--I'm worried about having to get a different prescriptions because that will cost more. The anti nausea won't stay in my body either, does that mean it will cost more to get another? If that requires a followup.....oh goodness. My case isn't even that bad. I know there are those out there who are going through so much worse and need the help more than us, for that I am grateful. But no one should have to face those things.

The doctor said very clearly that I could still be producing gallstones even without a gallbladder. I'm 90% positive that is the problem, because I know what the pain feels like with this problem. I know about the intense vomiting. I even passed stones after the gallbladder was out--which required a 5 day hospitalization and morphine every 4 hours. I'm not sure I'll make it through that again. The first time it was an 18 months ordeal with countless ER trips, exploratory surgery, begging for pain killers, being called a drug seeker. At the end waiting for the surgery I couldn't get dressed, take a shower, drive in a car, work, eat, see friends, or sleep. I don't remember a darker point in my life. All I remember is asking Evan every day to cut out my insides, every day thinking it would be better to die than live through the pain.

Now, I have 2 little children and no health insurance.

Dyson DC27

2011-03-24T19:49:00.002-06:00

So Evan and I bought our first vacuum right after Kyle was born on the day after Thanksgiving sale. We bought it for about $25 at Walmart, it was a little pink thing. It worked well for what I needed. But it broke recently, it smelled like burning and it stopped sucking. My father-in-law cleaned it out of peanuts and Kix cereal. But it still didn't work right.

So I decided that I NEEDED a new vacuum. Evan has a co-worker who buys a new one of the $25 variety every year when the old one breaks. I thought about it and decided against that route. I wanted something that would really work. That would make me feel good about putting Aiden on the floor. Something where you could see the cleaning and something that would do more than just my carpets.

I did some research on refurbished Dyson's. Evan really wanted to get one of the smaller versions with a ball rotation system. Although they are about 1/2 the weight of the larger versions it also has less sucking power. I knew that I couldn't get everything I wanted in one, so I went with the Dyson DC27 Total Clean Upright. It has amazing sucking, is heavier, and therefore, harder to maneuver. But not more difficult than my little pink one was to maneuver. At the touch of a button you have the ability to turn off the rollers for delicate rugs and such. It also has great extension on the hose.

We got it in the mail and the day before I vacuumed with my old pink vacuum and then used my new DC27. It filled half the container with dirt and debris! I was amazed. It became my go to when I was moving and packing. It is more bulky and after using my dinky pink vacuum, and my arm felt the difference. But we are still talking a vacuum that weighs less than my two year old. It has a wide base, which Evan doesn't like, but I feel like it means less work with a wider base. The hose is FANTASTIC! So long, good suction, and I use it to vacuum out cupboards and draws, edging, dusting off furniture.

I love my new vacuum. It works out well for me because all our carpet is downstairs so I can leave it downstairs. But because I also use it for dusting, cleaning drawers, and cleaning my non carpet floor and rugs, I'll want it up here too. I told Evan that when we have more money I really want to have one vacuum for every floor and I want all kinds so that I can get everything I want. But for now---this beauty is wonderful.

For Kicks

2011-03-16T11:11:00.000-06:00

Announcement

2011-03-15T20:07:00.000-06:00

I wanted to just make sure that everyone knows. This Young family is moving. On Saturday. At 9am.

We are moving to a house on the East bench about one block from I-215 and one block from Skyline High School. It is a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house. Our landlord recently bought the house and has done a major massive upgrade of everything: new paint, light fixtures, appliances, windows, AC, furnace, carpet, and I'm sure I am leaving things out. He's also cleaning up the yard. None of these things does he let us forget. We don't like him.

But we love the house. 1 mile from Evan's parents, 1 block from the express bus to the U (see two posts ago), and only a few miles from Evan's work.

We attended the new ward last Sunday. We love it. It is a "real" ward--granted I've only been in 1 family ward (the current one). The seats were filled and the people were friendly. It seemed strong and had children and young women who looked like good potential babysitters.

So until then, I've been working super hard and the only reason that the pictures of our boxes looks so organized is because I removed everything to scrub those floors on my hands and knees while Kyle tried to ride me like a horse and then put them back. I have to pack neat because I've only got so much room for the massive amount of boxes and things we have. I'm filled with anxiety that I won't be ready when everyone shows on Saturday morning. Evan assures me that it will. Here's hoping.

Confession: I have an obsession with sterilite totes. Nothing makes me happier. Nothing is as thrilling as buying plastic totes whose lids snap on or whose handles snap into place. Love them! My heart beats faster for them, in a way that it never has for Evan and I love that man dearly. I wish with my whole heart that Evan and I could afford to buy enough totes to move all our possession in those colorful, beautiful totes. Seeing the rows of those totes at Walmart fills the very depths of my heart with joy.

Cellulitis

2011-03-15T11:09:00.000-06:00

I don't know how accurate these pictures show Aiden's red cheek, because it is bright red. After 10 days of this, 18+ hours of sleeping, decreased appetite, and a fussy fussy baby, I took Aiden to the doctor's. It seems that my sweet baby boy has cellulities. It is a skin infection--most likely as the result of that wicked cold Kyle brought home from nursery which then probably turned into a sinus infection and caused a skin infection called cellulitis in his left check.

Ten days of antibiotics and it should be cleared up. I already can see that he is getting a better appetite, but that might just be from the meds. His check is still red, but I am told it should be getting better soon.

2011-03-14T22:12:00.000-06:00

So at 10:04 tonight Evan said, "Holly?" It was with the inflection that means something along the lines of, "We overdrew the bank account," or "I need $$$." Well, then he said, "I got into the U!!!" He was very ecstatic. I said, "Were you worried?" He wasn't, we knew he would get in. We've known this since we (meaning Evan) received revelation in the temple telling us to move NOW!! and everything would follow. So we proceeded with that, and unbeknown to me, Evan has been diligently checking his status at the U for acceptance to ease his slight anxiety. I never worried or gave it a second thought, to me it was like a formality. Kind of like my proposal of marriage the day before we got married (the ring just took forever to show up after Evan ordered it). So now we know. He is a Ute.

Numbers

2011-03-14T20:23:00.001-06:00

----My day in numbers----
Number of Lunches Made: 1
Number of Hours Evan worked: 12
Number of Word World Episodes Watched: 4
Number of Boxes Packed: 3
Number of Loads of Laundry: 3
Number of Ounces Aiden Drank: 24
Number of Spoon Feedings for Aiden: 3
Number of Minutes Kids Slept During Nap: 45
Number of Dishes Washed (kitchen is packed-down to basics): 26
Number of Times I Said, "Kyle get off of Aiden!": 7
Number of Texts Between Annoying/Entitled New Landlord: 8
Number of Phone Calls to Current Landlord with No Response: 3
Number of Sticks Kyle Picked Up on Our Walk: 14
Number of Sticks Kyle Told Me He Picked Up on Our Walk: 9
Number of Bedtime Stories: 3

I just keep telling myself it will be over soon and worth it. Anything to be out of this apartment.

My husbad, the Speaker

2011-03-12T21:38:00.000-07:00

Evan was asked to speak in the priesthood leadership session of our stake conference. It is a pretty big deal, well at least to us, the only draw back is that me and the boys won't be able to hear him address those in leadership in our stake.

Because I am so proud of Evan and I think what he wrote/spoke is beautiful. I want to share it but also so the boys will know when they are older.

Holding Priesthood Keys:
Why Do We Do It

And if men come unto me I will show
unto them their weakness that they may
be humble; and my grace is sufficient
for all men that humble themselves
before me; for if they humble
themselves before me, and have faith in
me, then will I make weak things become
strong unto them.
Ether 12:27

What are priesthood keys? What are my responsibilities as a
key holder? How can I effectively magnify my calling? As my
wife and I drove from the stake center to our home these
were the questions that flooded my mind. We had just met
with President Jewkes and he had extended a calling to me
to be the elders quorum president for the Taylorsville 3rd
ward.

As a full time student that works full time with one child
and a baby six weeks away the decision to accept a call as
intense as being the elders quorum president was not an
easy one; especially not for my wife. She was already
widowed by my pursuit of an education and my endeavor to
put food on the table. To accept this calling would mean
that Sunday, her only day to spend with me, would be taken
so that I could attend early morning meetings, presidency
meetings, plan lessons, organize home teaching and visit
active and inactive families. God bless that woman.

We expressed these concerns to President Jewkes who thought
about and said to us, “I know that every thing says I
shouldn’t extend this calling but I just feel like you
need to have experience holding priesthood keys.” With
some encouraging words and an assurance to Holly that she
could meet with President Jewkes should any concerns arise.

In my experience, being in an elders quorum presidency
means that you reorganize home teaching, accept assignments
from the bishop and, of course, moving people. In fact
these aspects of the quorum business are so enveloping and
consuming that it is hard to not just focus on these things.
But, is that what holding priesthood keys is about? Not
really.

In Doctrine and Covenants 107:89 it reads:
“Again, the duty of the president over the office of elders
is to preside over ninety-six elders, and to sit in council
with them, and to teach them according to the covenants.”

As an elders quorum president I was to preside over, sit in
council with, and teach the elders in our ward. I wish that
I could tell you that for much of my presidency I wasn’t
mired in the logistical aspects of this calling. I have
been the elders quorum president for a little under a year
and have had three sets of councilors and two secretaries.
We have reorganized home teaching companionships countless
times, moved dozens of people, and filled numerous
assignments for the bishop. However, as important and
ultimately necessary – and they are necessary – as those
things are they are not the reason the Lord calls elders
quorum presidents and their councilors. The Lord calls the
elders quorum presidency minister unto their quorum.

What I have cherished the most are the times when I have had the
opportunity to lay hands on one of my elders and give them
a blessing or when I have gone into their homes and given
them council or when I have the privilege of standing in
front of them in quorum meeting and giving the lesson.

There have been moments of frustration, moments where I
have questioned myself, moments when I questioned if
someone else should have been called to this position. I
know that someone else could have performed this calling
better, however I was called to this calling. When you are
called, brethren, it is immaterial whether there is someone
better suited for the calling because the calling comes
from inspired leaders. I know that our stake presidency is
called of God and that they issue calls as directed by the
spirit.

These feelings are not only limited to having priesthood
keys. We have all felt the feelings of despair as you have
strived to magnify your calling. Why can’t this be easier?
In an article in the March 2001 Ensign, Elder Holland
talked about these feelings with respect to missionary work
but I think it applies to every aspect of church membership.
He said:

“For that reason I don’t believe missionary work has ever
been easy, nor that conversion is, nor that retention is,
nor that continued faithfulness is. I believe it is
supposed to require some effort, something from the depths
of our soul.

If He could come forward in the night, kneel down, fall on
His face, bleed from every pore, and cry, “Abba, Father
(Papa), if this cup can pass, let it pass,” then little
wonder that salvation is not a whimsical or easy thing for
us. If you wonder if there isn’t an easier way, you should
remember you are not the first one to ask that. Someone a
lot greater and a lot grander asked a long time ago if
there wasn’t an easier way.

The Atonement will carry the missionaries perhaps even more
importantly than it will carry the investigators. When you
struggle, when you are rejected, when you are spit upon and
cast out and made a hiss and a byword, you are standing
with the best life this world has ever known, the only pure
and perfect life ever lived. You have reason to stand tall
and be grateful that the Living Son of the Living God knows
all about your sorrows and afflictions. The only way to
salvation is through Gethsemane and on to Calvary. The only
way to eternity is through Him—the Way, the Truth, and the
Life.”

This work is not easy, brethren. But I testify that the
Lord will bless you as you strive diligently to magnify your
callings the Lord will bless you. In a selfish way I strive
to magnify my callings for the blessings; not just for me
but mostly for my family.

If you will indulge me, brethren, I would like to give a
personal testimony of why I seek to magnify my calling. I
want to magnify my calling so that my sons don’t ever have
to question where my allegiance is. To quote Elder Holland
he said:
“Might we ask ourselves what our children know?
From us? Personally? Do our children know that we love the
scriptures? Do they see us reading them and marking them
and clinging to them in daily life? Have our children ever
unexpectedly opened a closed door and found us on our knees
in prayer? Have they heard us not only pray with them but
also pray for them out of nothing more than sheer parental
love? Do our children know we believe in fasting as
something more than an obligatory first‐Sunday‐of‐the‐month
hardship? Do they know that we have fasted for them and for
their future on days about which they knew nothing? Do they
know we love being in the temple, not least because it
provides a bond to them that neither death nor the legions

of hell can break? Do they know we love and sustain local
and general leaders, imperfect as they are, for their
willingness to accept callings they did not seek in order
to preserve a standard of righteousness they did not
create? Do those children know that we love God with all
our heart and that we long to see the face—and fall at the
feet—of His Only Begotten Son? I pray that they know this.”

I want them to know what I believe in. I want them to know
that I believe in inspired leadership. I need them to know
that I honor my priesthood. It is not enough for us to say
that we believe in the restored gospel but if we are not
living the restored gospel then we have no claim on our
children’s future. If we aren’t following the gospel we
have no right to expect or even ask that our children are
spared from the vile wickedness of our day. More than
anything I want my sons to know that I love God. I want
them to know that I love God more than money and
possessions and that the only way to show our love for God
is to do His work.

Puff Thief

2011-03-10T12:00:00.003-07:00

While I was packing pictures yesterday, after I said no, Kyle got the puff container from the kitchen container, opened it and poured the whole contents onto Aiden's tray. Then proceeded with Aiden to eat them, although he is better with his dexterity. After I feed Aiden puffs, Kyle picks scavenges the leftovers off the floor. He also feeds handfuls to Aiden when my back is turn. So much for giving Aiden a snack so I can get something done.

Newest DJ in Town

2011-03-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

Heidi

2011-03-09T08:38:00.001-07:00

This is going to be a lame month of posting, I am referring to the lack of pictures, because we are in the process of moving and it has proved to be very time consuming. Probably because I am the only one to do it and I have the two boys, but it is worse because there are only like 2 sq ft of usable space. Okay, I exaggerate, maybe 5 sq ft, everything else is piled with boxes and stacks of things to pack.

So Kyle is getting to that age where he is into noticing the difference between boys and girls and the respective physical differences. Although he still says to me, "Kyle big boy. Mommy big boy." So I know we aren't there yet.

However, today, when I was drying myself after my shower. He said, "What's that?" I thought he meant my belly button. Nope! He meant my boobs. I told him they were boobs, I know not the best word to teach a two year old, but I really don't like the technical terms of things. He said to me, "Boobies have baby, feed." I affirmed his knowledge and was very surprised because I haven't breast fed Aiden since he was 2 1/2 months old (so 5 1/2 months ago). He kept saying, "Boobs have babies." Then he said, "Heidi have boobs." Well, she does, and he has also seen her breast feeding about 6 months ago. So I said yes. He also asked if Monkey has boobs, and alas, he does not.

So now Kyle knows that Heidi and I have boobs.

Eight whole months for Aiden today---18.7 lbs on our home scale. He's been having a rough go and so hopefully it'll get better. He does recognize things, baby food, puffs, bottle (he even knows that word), his bed, and me. He gets really vocal, presses his lips together and makes hmmm sounds when he wants anything--such as from the list above. He rolls both ways and uses this as a way to get things, sits well, gets on his hands and knees, and scoots.

This morning

2011-03-05T08:16:00.001-07:00

I am in the shower. I open the curtain and Kyle says immediately
Kyle: Kyle not go to timeout.
Me: What?
Kyle: Kyle plays paper, Kyle not go to timeout.
Me: Really??? Okay.
Once out of the shower and in the bedroom, I realized he had pulled files out and spread all the papers around the bedroom. Seriously! But he already told me that he wasn't going to timeout. What's a mom to do.

Later:
Me: k, cranky.
Kyle: I not cranky.
Me: Yes, you are.
Kyle (yelling at me): No, I not cranky. I happy.
Me: You're not happy cuz you're whinny.
Kyle: I not whinny. I happy.
Me: Okay, be happy.
Kyle sits down and starts to suck his thumb with monkey.

Later:
Me: Are you making me crazy?
Kyle: Me not crazy.
Me: No, you're not crazy, but are you making me crazy?
Kyle: Yes!

Twinkies & Bruises

2011-03-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

So each week, I buy Kyle a different treat to have to help him gain weight. This week we bought strawberry filled twinkies.

Tuesday, I gave him one with his second dinner at 10 am (every meal is called dinner and Kyle tells me about every 1/2 hour he needs it. If I say, "We can't have dinner until Daddy gets home," then the second Kyle see Evan he says, "Dinner time." I should say though that the first meal is not called anything, just, "Kyle needs cereal.") So back to the twinkie, the next dinner, Kyle asked for one by pointing to the box. I stated that he could have one a day. So I told him tomorrow.

Randomly yesterday while playing in the afternoon: "Kyle twinkie mar-dow (tomorrow)."

He also tells me what he wants to eat. I'll say, "Do you want a hot dog or chicken nuggets?"
Kyle's response: "Hot dog! Kyle wants ummmm ummmm, peanuts, ummmm ummm brown crackers, ummmm ummmm apple chips, ummmm ummmm marshmellows, ummm ummm chocolate juice-san (chocolate soy milk), ummmm ummm applesauce (yogurt)." I usually give him what he wants or at least parts.

He also will get the stool to see over the counter to me in the pantry and directs me---"This one! No, this one!" Or he comes in the pantry and does the same thing.

This morning he directed me to a twinkie, chocolate granola bar, fruit snacks, peanuts, strawberry & banana freeze dried chips, brown crackers with peanut butter, and chocolate soy milk. It makes me cringe because not only is it not always well balanced but it is frequently all brown/beige/white food. Luckily his plates are bright and colored. It is the only color food he seems to like.

In other news, Aiden has several bruises on his head. I think it is from him getting on his hands and knees in his crib lunging and hitting his head on the bars. Ouch!

Picture of the Day

2011-03-02T19:30:00.000-07:00

Lost Post: Our Sealing for Our Anniversary

2011-02-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

So in the breath tonight between 11:59:59 February 28th and 12:00:00 March 1st is Evan and my 3rd-ish anniversary. See we were married on Leap day 2008, so technically we have not had our first year anniversary.

Since it is our anniversary, I decided to post about our sealing. I never posted the pictures from that event. Our dear friend Teresa took these pictures. However, when I first saw them I was really upset---let it be very clear that it is not the quality---I thought that I looked terrible. I was upset that no one told me that I looked that fat and all those things that us girls feel. Teresa gave me the disc with the pictures and for the next year or so I promptly lost, found, lost, found them in my desk and never loaded them on my computer. I finally found them about September and re-looked at them. I fell in love. I printed some and hung them in our hallway and I thought this would be a perfect time to post them.

I still think that I don't look my best, but I was happy that day. We all were. It was such a nice special day.

Elmo Shoes

2011-02-25T01:04:00.000-07:00

Our prized possession:

These were brought home by the hero of a father, Saturday night. Given so graciously to us by a co-worker. I had wanted to buy these after Christmas on clearance, but there weren't any in the right size. He loves them. He wore them the first 72 hours straight, even through the night. Tuesday night, he didn't wear them, but he asked to sleep with them.

P.S. Notice the double brown monkey action. Evan couldn't find one, so he brought out another. Now there are two out and Kyle won't let me put one away.

Birth Stories

2011-02-24T02:02:00.001-07:00

Evan and I took a birthing class before Aiden was born. It was taught by my midwife's partner midwife, Cathy. She is the one who ended up delivering Aiden anyway, so it was a good thing we'd had 6 long evenings with her teaching us and knew her. At the final celebration class, there were two couples who came to share their birth stories.

Now, another class has been taught. Their final class, we and the other 3 couples from our class were asked back to share our stories. We went last Wednesday night. The kids were sick, so I couldn't show off Aiden. But it was wonderful. All our generation's babies were born the same week---so all 7 months.

I love birth stories though. Love them. I read random people's accounts of their most precious moments (birth stories) for fun. I don't even like being pregnant and I love all the juicy details of birth stories.

But it is not just the stories, I love the special sacred bonds that these events give to women who give birth, who have given birth, who help women give birth. And that night, in Cathy's living room, I was surrounded by those who shared joy at choosing a home birth path; who expressed deep earth shattering love for the women, Cathy and Bri, who caught their babies; who told of bonds between a husband and wife forged in the sweaty, painful moments of labor; who spoke reverently of the strength of their bodies; who owned the fear and unbelievable pain of child birth, sometimes even the trauma to their own bodies; who cried over the precious gift of their anticipated precious babies; and who understood the growth that comes from letting go and embracing the primal nature of the experience.

I felt connected and embraced in a quiet secure way. I found new and surprising emotion in a story well rehearsed and frequently repeated. I was taken aback by the new information about how parts of Kyle and Aiden's birth story are still raw for me. Still very emotional and painful to be repeated although until that night they had never been.

It was an incredible experience. I can't believe how much Cathy and Bri have changed me over the last year. How much they have showed me and how gently they have opened doors in my emotions that have never been touched. I have never before, and I say this with great certainty, trusted anyone so quickly and so completely in every way. I have never yearned for anyone to know me better. I have never felt that kind of sweet, gentle, non judging love. Thank you for the delightful evening.

Humpty Dumpty Sat on a Wall

2011-02-23T15:02:00.002-07:00

He sits. This morning, he sat on the bed unassisted for about 5 minutes.

Behind the scenes commentary: Kyle is mad in the background because I just got upset with him for saying, "Stop that! Dammit!" Yes, I did just type that. Yes, he does say that. No, it is not from me and the culprit thinks it is funny!

We have actually worked pretty hard at this. We had to put him in the bigger car seat, so then he had to sit in the cart. It has been two trips to the store like that. A the end of the first trip, he was completely laid out over some socks. This week, he held himself up and even used his tummy muscles to steady himself as the cart moved. He has made so many strides. We also put him in his high chair about two weeks ago. from his back on a 30 degree incline he can use his muscles to come into a sitting position.

Although, I am still not sure that I would trust him on a hard surface, he is doing well. Although even the soft ones are dangerous. Right before these pictures Kyle was jumping on the bed, so Aiden fell over, and then Kyle jumped on his head. We are still working on just being soft to Aiden and now we have to learn to be soft to an unsteady Aiden. Goodness.

P.S. All of us just go from one pair pajamas another morning and night. We all love pajamas (although I don't think Aiden cares, but Kyle and I prefer them to usual clothes. Plus, I only have one pair of fleecy pjs for Aiden and I don't want to change him when he wears them because he is soooooo snuggly.

Oh goodness, I actually posted this and forgot to mention that Aiden got two, can you believe it, teeth noticed for the first time last Tuesday. Just little white bumpy sharp things coming through on the bottom. Seriously, Kyle didn't get teeth until 11 1/2 months. Way to be, Aiden. And in good Young fashion, I didn't even know they were coming because neither child shows any changes while teething. I am very grateful. Very.

The Plague and Sacrament, Oddly Related

2011-02-22T01:08:00.005-07:00

My friend Cathy recently did a post about how she wants to embrace the reality of life on her blog. That life isn't always pretty or wonderful. I have decided in the same vein, that I don't just want to chronicle the wonderful, exciting adventures we have. We have lots of days with stories but no pictures and I want to write more about life and worry less about posting pictures. I want the kids to know that I had feelings and struggles. I don't want to be so cute all the time. Plus, I've been having bad insomnia again and life is never more real than in the middle of the night! Right?

We have the plague, given to us once again by the nursery. Every single time we take Kyle he comes home sick, and not just a quick sick. We took him the first Sunday in January, he was home the next 3 weeks. We take him the first Sunday in February, he has been home for 2 weeks. I think that I have been to church with the boys a total of five Sundays since the first Sunday in June. Don't ask me to tell you if I know it is for sure nursery, but where else do we go besides the grocery store? No where. We rarely have play dates. Mostly because Kyle is always sick.

It started out as a runny nose that lasted for 10 days, then it became a faucet, followed with runny watery goop producing eyes, fevers, and now a deep hacking cough. A few days later, Aiden started. Then on Thursday, I woke up with it too. However, for me, I get the throat swelling to the point of near closure sore throats, headaches....and the last few days good ole' fashion nausea. Pretty certain that by tomorrow, my voice will be totally gone too. So we suffer through and thank heaven it was over a weekend. So Evan was home to help for two hours before bed. It was back to all me today though.

Aiden is just so pathetic. He is up for an hour or less, down for an hour. The first several days he was sick, he could barely sleep and we'd have to let him cry for several hours at night before he would fall asleep. There was nothing we could do to comfort him. He even hated being held.

I really want to stop going to church all together. I know that is a bad place to be in and a bad habit to start. But this is worse. In January, Evan got sick from what Kyle brought home in nursery and had to take time off work---and we are hourly. Now, Evan had to take Thursday night off to help me. I can't let Kyle keep getting Aiden sick---although Aiden only gets it half the time. I could just go to sacrament meeting, but Kyle loves nursery and why torture him through sacrament, if he can't go to the fun part. That is just mean.

It is starting to really affect me this church situation. It makes every day the same. Sundays feel like any other day---same morning routine, same naps, same chores, same clothes, and same feeling of loneliness. Evan leaves at the same time as he would on a school day just dressed differently for meetings. He is home for a hour or two, gone for church, home for a few hours before bed. Same, same, same. Some weeks I don't know what day it is because it is the same. Unless it is Tuesday---then I am grocery shopping in the morning.

Sunday, I was able to leave the house to talk to some neighbors about a couch they wanted to give us. It was the first time I'd left the house since Thursday at 10:30 am and the first conversation I had face-to-face with another adult besides Evan since that time as well. When I realized that, I almost cried. Aiden still hasn't been out of the house since Thursday. It will be 116 hours since I've been in the car or away from my complex when I shop tomorrow morning.

I don't miss church though either. I don't miss any one in our ward. I don't miss my skirts. I don't miss wrestling the kids or carrying Aiden for three hours. I don't miss the pew. I don't miss RS in the least. Although it makes the same different, I don't interact with anyone but Evan at church. However, I know that I miss the sacrament. A blogger I came across, recently wrote about the sacrament in the hospital and how meaningful it was to her. I cried.

Since June, I've taken the sacrament 4 times. Do you know what that makes me over time? Impatient, angry, lazy, angry, bitter, angry, disconnected, angry, tired, angry, anxious, angry, complacent, and if I haven't said so--angry. I recognize these feelings and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, it is because of missing the sacrament. However, with Evan being Elder's Quorum President he needs to be at church more than I do. And I can't face the panic attacks of sitting alone even just for sacrament.

It is so interesting that the 15 minute ordinance could make such a difference, especially because like most families with small children, I don't even get to focus during the sacrament. I'm too busy making sure Kyle is quiet and behaving---a great feat in itself since he is so out of practice. But I miss it. And I feel that there is just no hope of remedying this situation.

But I have to go, it's 2 am and Kyle is calling for me. He's been getting out of bed half-asleep in the middle of the night. Something about his blanket, at least he isn't waking me :)

P.S. If you made it this far, kudos. I didn't think I have any of the few readers who care that much. So many thanks, I mean, my husband doesn't even read the blog unless I convince him it's worth it. :) Although, I did see the wonderful Valentine's Day post.

Bad Parenting

2011-02-15T09:24:00.002-07:00

So yesterday's middle wasn't the best.....

it included:

1. a child squatting in his booster to pee in it (does great naked, has lots of accidents in his unders)
2. a child dumping his chocolate soy milk all over himself, 5 minutes after peeing, because he wasn't looking at his cup
3. burning my husband's dinner
4. tormenting my child by practicing my hair cutting techniques on him--pictures to come later.
5. Massive amounts of snot and then green goo coming from Kyle's really watery eye. Research suggests that it is pink eye--appropriate for Valentine's Day, I suppose. However, no symptoms this morning so we are not going to the doctor unless it shows up again.
6. The best part is a long explanation. Evan left for work while I was changing Aiden's diaper and getting him dressed. This involved him yelling at me that his hands were too full and could I lock the door after he left. Kyle can open the door if we don't dead bolt it and there is no other lock. I agreed and thought, "I'll do it as soon as I'm done." But then I promptly forgot. After I gave Aiden his 11 am bottle, I was changing his diaper. I heard the door open and then close. I rushed out to make sure that Kyle didn't leave. But he was playing in the living room and I figured that he had just peeked outside like he likes to do when he knows the door is open. I locked it to say the least. 6:30 came around and I was giving Aiden his next bottle, I couldn't find it. Not on the counter and not on my night stand. Not in the couch cushion. I asked Kyle to find the bottle. He said, "Bottle outside door." I was shocked. I thought for sure the bottle would be gone. I rushed to open the front door and it was sitting right there ever so nicely on our door mat. I don't know if Kyle set it there (he likes to move it from table to counter to shelf) or if the neighbors picked it up and set it there for me. Needless to say, I was relieved. Quick wash and we were back in business.

To: Holly

2011-02-14T18:11:00.001-07:00

Dear Holly,

You are the strongest woman I have ever met. This was made apparent to me when you gave birth to both of our children (although, I knew it before). You fight tirelessly for this family. And you have conquered every foe. You have worked for us and given you whole self to this family.

You are the smartest woman I have ever met. You have a head full of brains and reason. You have navigated this family financially and spiritually. You have helped me in everyway. I was making good money at Jamba Juice and you backed me up when I felt prompted to leave and go back to school. You have supported me in my schooling, work and my calling (even though these things often leave you as a single parent seven days a week). You have given me great council in my various roles in life.

When we first met I had no idea that I would be lucky enough to call you “mine”. I didn’t even have an inkling of a notion that we would be together. And even when we started dating I didn’t realize how much I needed you or what I could become with you. My whole time knowing you has been a learning process of looking back and realizing that I am less “me” and more “us”.

I was talking with some of the residents today about when you know that you love somebody. And I told them that the moment I knew was I stood across from you in my parents’ living room and we were saying our vows. I felt like we were the only people in the world, just you and me. That is when I knew.

I love you and I want you to know that without you I wouldn’t be the man I am today. All of my accomplishments are really your accomplishments.

Evan.

P.S. I would have put pictures but I'm not sure how.