Tuesday, July 17, 2012

1 Month

One month ago: June 17th, 2012. Father's Day.

My father died. My dad. I haven't mentioned it because there is so much to say and at the same time nothing at all. I am not devastated because I was not close to him. I hadn't talked to him in about 18 months. I sent Christmas cards, which apparently he had never opened. Nine years ago, he had a heart attack that landed him in a coma. Heidi and therefore, I, found out after the fact. At that time, he was given 3 years to live. He made it six more. However, since last fall, he was very sick in and out of the hospital. When I heard, I called him. I left a message because he didn't answer. He never called back and I had planned on calling him the day he died.

When he died, I had no part to play. Heidi is the executor, the power of attorney, and the emergency contact. I feel like that makes it kind of hard to work through feelings when you have nowhere to put your energies. It makes you feel helpless. 

What upsets me the most is that in this situation, the Gospel of Jesus Christ has not brought any comfort. I know that he is in spirit prison. I know that he has been brought to a full knowledge of his sins. I also know that for the next year, at least, he will not be able to enjoy any blessings of being a baptized member of the Church. I know that we cannot know the mind of God or his judgements, but let us be clear that God has also stated he will not suffer any unclean thing---and regardless of the mitigating circumstances, (I know God will judge us in the best of circumstances and our best of intentions) my father has made grave mistakes in his life.

But I would like to say that the best sides of my father and Evan do resemble each other in some areas of their lives. I know the he does not like this comparison, and it took him until he saw these pictures of my father, that I hadn't even seen before now, to admit they do share some similarities in appearance. Evan is brilliant as was my father. Evan is obsessed with computers and gadgets, so was my dad. Neither Evan nor my dad are great cooks or good at house keeping. They are both social creatures, who charm. Both Evan and my father are music snobs and knowledgeable in their area of musical interest. My dad however, was much more athletic and loved the outdoors.

I might have more to say at 2 months or later. But I don't have it in me tonight. I hope that as I work through all those feelings---and the feelings from my childhood that have been unearthed---the words will come easier, the thoughts will flow seamlessly, and I can write better than tonight. I hope it will buoy up my posterity and teach them something in the future to see my inner therapy at work.

On a happier, nicer note: We have been having the summer of our lives. Like the perfect summer. The summer against which all other summers will be compared. The summer where I finally haven't just had a baby and all the kids can walk. The summer of pure joy of finally being able to enjoy free things around the city because I have a car...every day! I know, it is glorious. However, I am having problem formatting my pictures in the new blogger template. But do not fear, my dear faithful (6 readers---I've been looking at my traffic feed) my friend Kirsten is going to post a tutorial to help a home girl out----literally home girls from Portland :)

P.S. Compare how Evan look here with Kyle and my father with Cory in the top picture :P


Jenny Livingston said...

I didn't know what to say when you first told me about this, and I still have no idea what to say now. I hope you can find peace, Holly, in whatever way you need it. Like you said, it must be hard to work through your feeling regarding this when you really don't know what to think/where to focus your energy. I'm sorry, and I love you.

And even before reading your post, when I saw that first picture I thought, "Wow, that looks like Evan!" :)

kirsten.brooke said...

Their physical similarities are incredible! Before reading the post, I thought 'surely that's a photo of Evan's dad'.

I don't have the words or the wisdom for the situation this must be. But I do know, you are one of the strongest (in so many, many ways) women I know, and therefore, are bound to inspire the rest of us with the grace, charm, humility and optimism with which you're bound to handle your father's passing.

I love you and will keep you and Heidi in my prayers.

Merry said...

I also thought that the top picture looked a LOT like Evan.

I am so sorry for your loss. This must be much harder for you than it would be for most people to lose a parent. Don't be afraid to take time to process this. I'll be praying for you and your family.

Mallory said...

I had no idea of your loss. I am sorry. Evan and your dad definitely have some similarities.

I have no magic cure all or even a little cure but something that has brought peace to me is that Heavenly Father loves all of us and he wants us to be happy, so I think whatever judgments he makes will really be what we want. And a year in our time and a year in heaven are not the same.

On the summer note I am so glad you are having a great summer and enjoying free and fun activities!!! Love ya