Evan and I have been having some big drama in our lives this week as we get ready to bless our baby, Kyle. It has really thrown me for a horrifying loop and involved hours of crying and hard realizations. I've thought long and hard about what I would like to write here about it--mostly as an outlet for me.
As with every morning, while Kyle takes his sweet time alternating between bites of food and sucking his thumb, I pulled up my blog and read the latest from my friends. Frances, as she does, wrote an amazing blog last night which partly sums up my feelings. I too, as a child, thought being an adult would be great---oh, the decisions I could make. But alas, these days I watch Kyle being carried around in his car seat, sleeping through church, being looked after, and wonder, "how can I become a baby?" Yesterday morning was probably the worst morning I've had for years. I'm good at putting out fires, but there was what felt to be a forest fire yesterday morning.
For example....Tuesday morning while talking to Evan and trying to eat my cereal because Kyle was occupied, I dropped my phone in a few inches of milk at the bottom of my cereal bowl (twice). Evan has dropped his iPhone in the toilet and Zoie has washed her iPod, so I know what dangers liquid has on those sorts of things. It still worked, hallelujah. The speaker was really quiet but righted itself after some hours of drying out. That night, the battery ran out. I came home to plug it and and the problems began. It wouldn't stay on. It got increasingly worse yesterday morning. It would only stay on if I was on the phone. problem. Evan couldn't get a hold of me to schedule things and I was trying to put out fires with dumb banks and collection agencies. I was so frustrated. Evan fixed it by donating his old phone to my cause until we can get the broken one fixed. Although I miss my phone, at least I have one that works now. And I know, I'm an idiot.
Most of these other fires were dealt with and Evan and I ended up having a pleasant evening at his parents while I finished our laundry. It did mean that I had to cancel on Frances and Joelle and a baby date, which makes me sad. But all things can be rescheduled. It will be my first play date and Kyle's and I'm excited. It will be the first time interacting with a child his own age. Also, Frances has promised to provide some baby love potion. Look for the exciting details next week after the event.
However, I've come to realize that I don't want to make decisions and that I'm bad at it. Evan has taking over ordering for me because I'm no good at it. I don't want to plan our evenings, just participate. I hate having to drive, run errands, do laundry, pay bills, plan our financial lives, decide where to move to, or do any of those things I thought would be great about being an adult. Even when I carefully analyze and make decisions, someone is not happy. I also think that I lack the fundamental understanding of human interaction and motivation.
Someday maybe people will understand that Evan and I are trying to do the best for our family and this little guy that we can.
Although I am not loved or respected by my family, this is my family now and I owe them my love, trust, consideration and all the best parts of myself. I've been blessed and entrusted to do my best for both Evan and Kyle--no matter what anyone has to say, I'm doing that.