Friday, May 6, 2011

Existential Obsession

I'm obsessed. I've been doing lots of thinking in the past few months and especially these few weeks---and all my thoughts won't leave me until I write them out. Until I flush them out and work through them. Until I give them voice before an audience. These thoughts and words keep me up at night. I listen to them reverberate around my head coupled with Evan's deep vibrating snoring.

This need for writing, for expression, for a deep purge---all part of my existential crisis. I spend most every waking moment, those where I am supposed to be sleeping, and those where I am sleeping, examining and reevaluating my life. I have never felt so many possibilities available to me in my life. I am not even sure I felt this kind of freedom when I was graduating from college and could go anywhere or do anything. I am just not sure what direction I want to go in, what I want to pursue, and what I want to become.

What do I have to offer? What do I feel will fill my cup? What do I feel I have to offer others' cups? We speak of talents in the LDS church. We are all gifted them, are sent to develop them, and will  be held accountable for them. Evan gave me a blessing recently soothing me with reassurance that I need patience and directing me to develop my talents. Beautiful, but how do we go about that? I am lost. How do I develop them when I am not even sure what they are? This is not a new quandary for me; however, I've never thought it was important.

I've always believed I have talents, as I believe everyone does. But if they are not noticeable like piano playing, photography, crafts, baking, etc, how do you know? How do you find out? How do I find what's hidden? I know for certain that patience isn't one of them.

1 comment:

Teresa said...

I have often felt this way, Holly. I am not hugely blessed in the talent department (although Chris' mom always likes to point out things like, I'm friendly, and she doesn't understand why "friendly" being my best talent doesn't help me feel better!)
I especially was struggling earlier this year after a round of home IV's followed by a hospital stay and more IV's. Our family was served so much by our ward members and I felt that there wasn't much I could give back. I didn't have the health or strength to return their service in the ways I wanted to and it was really hard. I felt like I had nothing to offer anybody.
So, I don't have a lot of advice for you. There are talents I would love to develop, and maybe I can work on them slowly, but mostly I feel like my "talent" these days is just making it through the day! But I have found that I focus less on my lack of amazingness and feel good about "filling others' cups" when I serve. I know that is a typical sunday school answer, but I believe it. And I can't always serve in the ways I'd like to, so I have to get creative. And serving others doesn't come naturally to me the way it does to you, but I have been trying to do more for others lately, and sometimes that just means a phone call or facebook message, but I have felt better in recent months about my contribution to society and I think it is directly related.
Anyway, I kind of got off on a tangent. I know that is a little different than what you are talking about. I guess the only advice I have, and you are probably already doing it, is to keep praying and asking Heavenly Father. He knows what your talents are. He knows what you could become and what great things you could do with your life, so ask Him to help you discover those. Good luck. I think you're amazing!