I'm obsessed. I've been doing lots of thinking in the past few months and especially these few weeks---and all my thoughts won't leave me until I write them out. Until I flush them out and work through them. Until I give them voice before an audience. These thoughts and words keep me up at night. I listen to them reverberate around my head coupled with Evan's deep vibrating snoring.
This need for writing, for expression, for a deep purge---all part of my existential crisis. I spend most every waking moment, those where I am supposed to be sleeping, and those where I am sleeping, examining and reevaluating my life. I have never felt so many possibilities available to me in my life. I am not even sure I felt this kind of freedom when I was graduating from college and could go anywhere or do anything. I am just not sure what direction I want to go in, what I want to pursue, and what I want to become.
What do I have to offer? What do I feel will fill my cup? What do I feel I have to offer others' cups? We speak of talents in the LDS church. We are all gifted them, are sent to develop them, and will be held accountable for them. Evan gave me a blessing recently soothing me with reassurance that I need patience and directing me to develop my talents. Beautiful, but how do we go about that? I am lost. How do I develop them when I am not even sure what they are? This is not a new quandary for me; however, I've never thought it was important.
I've always believed I have talents, as I believe everyone does. But if they are not noticeable like piano playing, photography, crafts, baking, etc, how do you know? How do you find out? How do I find what's hidden? I know for certain that patience isn't one of them.