Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Plague and Sacrament, Oddly Related

My friend Cathy recently did a post about how she wants to embrace the reality of life on her blog. That life isn't always pretty or wonderful. I have decided in the same vein, that I don't just want to chronicle the wonderful, exciting adventures we have. We have lots of days with stories but no pictures and I want to write more about life and worry less about posting pictures. I want the kids to know that I had feelings and struggles. I don't want to be so cute all the time. Plus, I've been having bad insomnia again and life is never more real than in the middle of the night! Right?

We have the plague, given to us once again by the nursery. Every single time we take Kyle he comes home sick, and not just a quick sick. We took him the first Sunday in January, he was home the next 3 weeks. We take him the first Sunday in February, he has been home for 2 weeks. I think that I have been to church with the boys a total of five Sundays since the first Sunday in June. Don't ask me to tell you if I know it is for sure nursery, but where else do we go besides the grocery store? No where. We rarely have play dates. Mostly because Kyle is always sick.

It started out as a runny nose that lasted for 10 days, then it became a faucet, followed with runny watery goop producing eyes, fevers, and now a deep hacking cough. A few days later, Aiden started. Then on Thursday, I woke up with it too. However, for me, I get the throat swelling to the point of near closure sore throats, headaches....and the last few days good ole' fashion nausea. Pretty certain that by tomorrow, my voice will be totally gone too. So we suffer through and thank heaven it was over a weekend. So Evan was home to help for two hours before bed. It was back to all me today though.

Aiden is just so pathetic. He is up for an hour or less, down for an hour. The first several days he was sick, he could barely sleep and we'd have to let him cry for several hours at night before he would fall asleep. There was nothing we could do to comfort him. He even hated being held.

I really want to stop going to church all together. I know that is a bad place to be in and a bad habit to start. But this is worse. In January, Evan got sick from what Kyle brought home in nursery and had to take time off work---and we are hourly. Now, Evan had to take Thursday night off to help me. I can't let Kyle keep getting Aiden sick---although Aiden only gets it half the time. I could just go to sacrament meeting, but Kyle loves nursery and why torture him through sacrament, if he can't go to the fun part. That is just mean.

It is starting to really affect me this church situation. It makes every day the same. Sundays feel like any other day---same morning routine, same naps, same chores, same clothes, and same feeling of loneliness. Evan leaves at the same time as he would on a school day just dressed differently for meetings. He is home for a hour or two, gone for church, home for a few hours before bed. Same, same, same. Some weeks I don't know what day it is because it is the same. Unless it is Tuesday---then I am grocery shopping in the morning.

Sunday, I was able to leave the house to talk to some neighbors about a couch they wanted to give us. It was the first time I'd left the house since Thursday at 10:30 am and the first conversation I had face-to-face with another adult besides Evan since that time as well. When I realized that, I almost cried. Aiden still hasn't been out of the house since Thursday. It will be 116 hours since I've been in the car or away from my complex when I shop tomorrow morning.

I don't miss church though either. I don't miss any one in our ward. I don't miss my skirts. I don't miss wrestling the kids or carrying Aiden for three hours. I don't miss the pew. I don't miss RS in the least. Although it makes the same different, I don't interact with anyone but Evan at church. However, I know that I miss the sacrament. A blogger I came across, recently wrote about the sacrament in the hospital and how meaningful it was to her. I cried.

Since June, I've taken the sacrament 4 times. Do you know what that makes me over time? Impatient, angry, lazy, angry, bitter, angry, disconnected, angry, tired, angry, anxious, angry, complacent, and if I haven't said so--angry. I recognize these feelings and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, it is because of missing the sacrament. However, with Evan being Elder's Quorum President he needs to be at church more than I do. And I can't face the panic attacks of sitting alone even just for sacrament.

It is so interesting that the 15 minute ordinance could make such a difference, especially because like most families with small children, I don't even get to focus during the sacrament. I'm too busy making sure Kyle is quiet and behaving---a great feat in itself since he is so out of practice. But I miss it. And I feel that there is just no hope of remedying this situation.

But I have to go, it's 2 am and Kyle is calling for me. He's been getting out of bed half-asleep in the middle of the night. Something about his blanket, at least he isn't waking me :)

P.S. If you made it this far, kudos. I didn't think I have any of the few readers who care that much. So many thanks, I mean, my husband doesn't even read the blog unless I convince him it's worth it. :) Although, I did see the wonderful Valentine's Day post.


Mallory said...

I made it to the end. I hope you all get over the plague. Church is hard with little ones. Once I got advice from this very sweet lady who said there are months and even years where we get nothing out of because of church but we are showing our kids that it is important to us and showing them consistency even if we are just wrestling with them. That helps me when all I do is sit in the hall with a screaming kid. Good luck!

Merry said...

I made it to the end too. I don't have kids to wrestle at church (except for the Sunbeams I teach), but I do struggle feeling connected because I spend two of the three hours with 3-year-olds. I do miss Relief Society, though. I at least have hopes that if I were going to it, I would have some friends at church. Right now my visiting teachers (and our home teachers) never come visit, and it feels like our ward just doesn't know what to do with us.

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you can do it! You are one of the most capable women I know. And this can't last forever.

Julie said...

Wrestle the kids through Sacrament meeting. Evan is there to help. Go to the dollar store and pick up some special toys, coloring books, etc that ONLY come out during Sacrament meeting. Then, go home.

I love you!!

Ami, Joel, and Dane said...

I'm sorry things have been so hard. Sick kids are always difficult, and I know I had similar thoughts about avoiding church when Dane kept coming home sick from nursery (or now, Primary), too. Here are my initial thoughts. They're just ideas, but they might be helpful:
1. Tell the RS president or the counselor you like best about your situation. Hopefully they'll get you good visiting teachers so you won't feel so isolated, and there are probably sisters in the ward who would be willing to sit with you and help with your kids in sacrament meeting.
2. With the kids so sick so much, it might be a possibility to have the sacrament brought to your house, since sick kids essentially make you a shut in. They make arrangements like this for old people all the time; why not for young moms with sick kids? Then you have the blessing of the sacrament and can read/pray on your own when you have a minute at home.
3. When I get in a funk of sitting at home all day (and I know my work gets me out of the house, but it's not always a good thing since my job is listening to other people's problems the whole time), I try to make it a point just to go outside for a few minutes. Even just to get the mail or walk in the driveway for 5 minutes. Even if it's snowing or the kids are sick; 5 minutes won't hurt anybody. Then I don't feel so much like my house smells like sick air and I haven't seen the light of day.
4. Call me anytime! Hanging out is harder when kids are sick (we kept Dane home from church this week because of a cough, too) but I'm sure we could figure something out.
5. Does your ward have a mom's group? Some days when I go to ours, I think "I don't even like these people that much" but I still feel better after going because it got me out of the house, it got me talking to other adults, and other moms understand. Usually.
Whew. Hang in there. Let me know what we can do to help!

tatton.kirsten.brookelyn.ethan said...

I don't have any answers. Wrestling kids in sacrament meeting is death. I rarely get anything from the meeting unless both kids are entirely distracted (it happens sometimes!).


As hard as it may be, at least go to sacrament. Avoid the nursery until winter is over. But get to Church every Sunday; it'll help you feel a lot better. It won't suddenly get easy or necessarily fun, but it'll help lift your spirits and renew your strength if you get your whole family there for sacrament meeting.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers Holly! You can do this.

Charity said...

I feel ya. It seems someone is always sick in our house, like this rotating wave of sickness just hits James, Me, Isaac, James, Me, Isaac. And now that church has changed times, Isaac is sometimes just dead asleep when we have to leave, and there's no way I'm waking my sleeping child for anything. So... I miss sacrament often, as well, and I feel it. I hope you all get well soon and find a way to get back to church. I know how important it is to spiritual/emotional sanity.