My friend Cathy recently did a post about how she wants to embrace the reality of life on her blog. That life isn't always pretty or wonderful. I have decided in the same vein, that I don't just want to chronicle the wonderful, exciting adventures we have. We have lots of days with stories but no pictures and I want to write more about life and worry less about posting pictures. I want the kids to know that I had feelings and struggles. I don't want to be so cute all the time. Plus, I've been having bad insomnia again and life is never more real than in the middle of the night! Right?
We have the plague, given to us once again by the nursery. Every single time we take Kyle he comes home sick, and not just a quick sick. We took him the first Sunday in January, he was home the next 3 weeks. We take him the first Sunday in February, he has been home for 2 weeks. I think that I have been to church with the boys a total of five Sundays since the first Sunday in June. Don't ask me to tell you if I know it is for sure nursery, but where else do we go besides the grocery store? No where. We rarely have play dates. Mostly because Kyle is always sick.
It started out as a runny nose that lasted for 10 days, then it became a faucet, followed with runny watery goop producing eyes, fevers, and now a deep hacking cough. A few days later, Aiden started. Then on Thursday, I woke up with it too. However, for me, I get the throat swelling to the point of near closure sore throats, headaches....and the last few days good ole' fashion nausea. Pretty certain that by tomorrow, my voice will be totally gone too. So we suffer through and thank heaven it was over a weekend. So Evan was home to help for two hours before bed. It was back to all me today though.
Aiden is just so pathetic. He is up for an hour or less, down for an hour. The first several days he was sick, he could barely sleep and we'd have to let him cry for several hours at night before he would fall asleep. There was nothing we could do to comfort him. He even hated being held.
I really want to stop going to church all together. I know that is a bad place to be in and a bad habit to start. But this is worse. In January, Evan got sick from what Kyle brought home in nursery and had to take time off work---and we are hourly. Now, Evan had to take Thursday night off to help me. I can't let Kyle keep getting Aiden sick---although Aiden only gets it half the time. I could just go to sacrament meeting, but Kyle loves nursery and why torture him through sacrament, if he can't go to the fun part. That is just mean.
It is starting to really affect me this church situation. It makes every day the same. Sundays feel like any other day---same morning routine, same naps, same chores, same clothes, and same feeling of loneliness. Evan leaves at the same time as he would on a school day just dressed differently for meetings. He is home for a hour or two, gone for church, home for a few hours before bed. Same, same, same. Some weeks I don't know what day it is because it is the same. Unless it is Tuesday---then I am grocery shopping in the morning.
Sunday, I was able to leave the house to talk to some neighbors about a couch they wanted to give us. It was the first time I'd left the house since Thursday at 10:30 am and the first conversation I had face-to-face with another adult besides Evan since that time as well. When I realized that, I almost cried. Aiden still hasn't been out of the house since Thursday. It will be 116 hours since I've been in the car or away from my complex when I shop tomorrow morning.
I don't miss church though either. I don't miss any one in our ward. I don't miss my skirts. I don't miss wrestling the kids or carrying Aiden for three hours. I don't miss the pew. I don't miss RS in the least. Although it makes the same different, I don't interact with anyone but Evan at church. However, I know that I miss the sacrament. A blogger I came across, recently wrote about the sacrament in the hospital and how meaningful it was to her. I cried.
Since June, I've taken the sacrament 4 times. Do you know what that makes me over time? Impatient, angry, lazy, angry, bitter, angry, disconnected, angry, tired, angry, anxious, angry, complacent, and if I haven't said so--angry. I recognize these feelings and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, it is because of missing the sacrament. However, with Evan being Elder's Quorum President he needs to be at church more than I do. And I can't face the panic attacks of sitting alone even just for sacrament.
It is so interesting that the 15 minute ordinance could make such a difference, especially because like most families with small children, I don't even get to focus during the sacrament. I'm too busy making sure Kyle is quiet and behaving---a great feat in itself since he is so out of practice. But I miss it. And I feel that there is just no hope of remedying this situation.
But I have to go, it's 2 am and Kyle is calling for me. He's been getting out of bed half-asleep in the middle of the night. Something about his blanket, at least he isn't waking me :)
P.S. If you made it this far, kudos. I didn't think I have any of the few readers who care that much. So many thanks, I mean, my husband doesn't even read the blog unless I convince him it's worth it. :) Although, I did see the wonderful Valentine's Day post.