As I sit here at 5:30, I've just put the kids to bed and am headed there within the hour. Since Saturday night I have gotten an average of 4.5 hours of sleep (I even did the math to make Evan happy). I have never had such a stressful and emotional week. I have so many thoughts rolling around and nothing to really say.
Morgan, our little visitor since Sunday, has gone back with her parents. Kyle keeps asking every few minutes, "Where Morgan?" She was such a sweet thing, but she brought with her the Three Plagues of Mo. Plague 1: hacking cough that makes you think it will end in vomiting. Plague 2: 103.7 fevers. Plague 3: The River of Snot. I have not slept through the night without sick babies needing medicine and comfort since Monday. This morning, Kyle got up at 4 am with a 103.4 fever and never went back to bed. Naps have been disrupted from sickness, coughing, discomfort, and to get them to sleep at night also takes an act of God. It's hard to get comfortable when you can't breathe.
This has all been compounded by Bri's passing. There was a memorial in her honor last night. It was emotional and sad, but also there were moments of joy at seeing old friends and remembering Briana. However, I left feeling more depressed than I started, for different reasons, and saddened that we weren't doing right by her----the rock and the hard place----at a loss as to how to repair, correct, and heal.
As I sat watching the video montage, I watched Evan mingle, socialize, catch up. At these sorts of social gatherings, I never have had my husband's smooth easy confidence and ability. After awhile, I've learned I don't like to tag along and stand there clumsily. I have never felt like I fit with my husband's Salt Lake City peer group (or "the scene"). I feel inept. I am younger, I am married, I am a mother. I am on the other side of the bridge from so many of Evan's friends. My interests are different--I am not a professional, I do not follow the news, I am different. So I would frequently find myself with Bri in the kitchen, talking like we were the only two there. She would speak to me of motherhood, pregnancy, and knew how to be in my world even though she had not been married or a mother herself. It was easy and she seemed to be the only one who could cross that bridge to me. This time, I was alone.
Never fear though, next week or even this weekend, if I recover. I will be back with the millions of Easter photos and projects we completed. I'd like to leave you with my little buddy. Oh boy is this boy attached to me!